You know the biggest irony of it all? Today it is four months to the day since I since I parted ways with him. It's hard to believe it's been that long; I've been so busy that I lost all track of time. I'm sure he didn't register or think about it, he was always unaware of dates and the finer subtleties of emotional situations. It's been hard to accept but he is not only an asshole but also a narcissist. The only things that ever mattered to him were himself and the conquests he set as goals. Once upon a time he told me that he was determined to have me, that he was a man who mostly got what he wanted. Guess in the end I wasn't worth the having, or maybe I should say that I was too difficult to achieve. After all, I was one of the only people in his life who ever held him accountable for his actions, and as a result I was punished with abandonment. It hurts to think about it but in truth I know I'm better off without him. What we had wasn't love, it was a game of wills and strategy. Could he conquer me and add me to the list of accomplishments he'd made for himself? Well, he may have walked out on me emotionally and left me standing here with a pair of tickets to nowhere, but it was I who had the last word. Unlike the coward in this situation, I brought all I had to the table and when the deal fell through I terminated the association. While I beat myself emotionally sometimes for making the mistake of letting him in, I am proud that I was able to rescue myself from a toxic situation.

*sigh* How strange, this isn't exactly what I meant to write at all. I wanted to go on about how I don't break easily and that my life is sailing ahead without him, and in most ways that is true. But the other side of the situation is that I am still deeply hurt and recovering. The other failed circumstances of my life like my career and finances aren't helping the wound to close. But all in all it is making me stronger. I have always been a fighter and I've been damned too many times not to rise up and strike down the obstacles in my path. It might be four months to the day things ended, but it is also four months to the day since my life began again anew. Nursing a broken heart takes time and patience, but making a change takes a single action. And on that note, I think I'll head to the gym and work out some of my pain and frustration.

As such I have been doing a lot of thinking about where I want to move to in 2010 (or sooner if possible). For years my heart has been set on New York City. When I started dating The Schnitzel back in January, and things took off, I decided to change my move focus to Toronto, Ontario. After all that is where he had primary residence, Canada is a beautiful European-like country, and Gay marriage is legal. Why wouldn't I move to such a Utopia? My life was falling into place, or so I thought... When "Dreamboat Germany" sank two months ago I had to re-evaluate my plans (as well as my life goals). While I am not opposed to moving to Toronto my main motivation for doing so is gone, so why go there when NYC is my #1 choice?

And here comes the new dilemma. If the Republicans are able to continue their dictatorship for another 4 years, this country is going to go down the tubes even more. Major financial institutions are crumbling, the end of the Iraq War is no where in sight, and these greedy bastards want to raise taxes so they can have more and not really change anything. And forget seeing Gay marriage or any legal partner rights for Gays being passed. If they have their way about it we'll be plunged back into the Dark Ages where homosexuals were stoned in the streets for their "sins" and women had to resort to coat hangers to terminate unwanted pregnancies.

So yet again here I am considering Canada. Toronto is relatively inexpensive and it is still on the East Coast, and not unreasonably far from NYC or DC (should I need to come home/visit). And while this option is looking more and more attractive I have just discovered something very unpleasant about this Shangri-la to the North; they have a conservative party that is currently in power! Yes, Canada has their own version of our evil, Republican trolls and they are ruling the country. Apparently the conservative Canadian PM used a loophole to dissolve Parliament last week and have schedule a snap poll (i.e. an election) for next month. This move was made under the guise of balancing the power in the Canadian Parliament. Problem is that Canadian politics (as I have discovered) slightly reflect the US political situation, so dissolving Parliament now and having an election next month will give the Canadian conservatives an upper hand and thus secure them a longer term in Parliament. While Canadian conservative aren't as evil (or so it would appear) as US conservatives, they still have some nasty agendas, such as removing the legal requirement for industrial businesses to follow Kyoto Protocol. I'm sure you’re scratching your heads so I'll explain; the Kyoto protocol is a set of standards industrial companies have to follow in order to reduce the greenhouse gasses they produce. By removing the law that requires companies to follow these standards they can basically pollute the environment without restriction.

Bottom line: Canada doesn't look now like that much better an alternative to the US. While there is still time to consider, and more investigation that needs to be done, in general it seems that I am fucked in either situation. Now is not the time to despair or even be putting this much thought into it, but I can't help but feel a bit down (and worried) that my Plan "C" (C for Canada!) has gone up in a cloud of smoke. As with all struggles I've been through before, I need to let go and let the Universe do its thing. Everything happens for a reason and it will all work out well in the end... I hope.

That is how I feel on this current contract. I went from one very toxic and limited position to one that is non-toxic but unstimulating and a complete dead-end position. While the company environment is nice the physical environment I work in leaves much to be desired. The team I'm on is stuck in a small, dimly lit room in the building's basement with no natural light and no privacy. The eight of us are constantly stewing up in each other's juices and our different personality quirks and work habits are clashing. Plus there is tension between me and the team lead and her assistant and I have concerns that my professional reputation could be damaged if I stay there much longer.

The nature of the work I'm doing on this contract involves nothing but entering content data and proofing online articles and newly developed websites. It's not that it's a bad job, but it is not a job for a creative person. I am literally cut off from my creative life blood, trapped in this grey colorless box, and consequently am growing bitter and angry. Most of the other contractors are designers too and just as frustrated as I am. Making things worse is that two of the contractors have Photoshop on their machines and are free to hone their skills and work on side design projects during down times while the rest of us just have access to the internet and basic programs like Word and Excel. So essentially when there is nothing to do I can blog, read online news, and answer e-mails. True I can look for other jobs, but I need stronger portfolio material in order to be eligible for most of them, and there is no way to create it fast enough when I have to do it solely in my own free time.

Yet the big irony is that I just found out that the contract is going to expire at the end of the month. In so many ways it's a blessing. I am grateful for the opportunity I had in coming here and it has been a step up from where I was, but now more than ever I have to move towards greater progression. Most importantly I have to answer the question of "who am I as a professional and where do I want to be?" I know that I want to have a career in design, both web and print. I have been thinking more that art direction would be a great goal to work towards. I'd have greater creative freedom and wouldn't be as heavily managed by others, and at the same time wouldn't have to do all the designing alone. But I'm not qualified enough to hold that kind of position... not yet anyway.

The real trouble is in defining myself as a designer. Because of my skills in both web development and design and my interest in other creative areas I am not just a "graphic designer", and perhaps never really was. I do more than just create pretty pictures or edit photos; I conceptualize entire product designs and physically put them together. In thinking about it I have come to realize that truly I am a "multimedia designer", but even with that revelation the issue of my education and experience still remains.

When you say you are a multimedia designer the assumption is automatically that you have a degree or two in the field and know every artistic program out there as well as the technical ones like Flash. I don't have either of those things. My plans for a degree are still in the beginning stages of coming to fruition and my skills, while excellent, are not as advanced and broad as they could be. So where does that leave me and WHAT does that make me exactly? I'm certainly not a 100% web developer and I don't have the experience level to be a true "web designer" which leaves me with no immediate answer. And if I don't know what I am right now how do I know what to look for as my next contract position? At this stage in my career, every position I take has to improve me as a designer and advance my career.

Once again I am at yet another place in my life where I feel like a complete misfit. The combination of better-than-average and sub par talents I have leave me not fitting into any kind of little box. No matter how hard I work I seem to reap very little benefit and the success I want seems tantalizingly out of reach. It's extremely frustrating and anger inducing. I'm almost 30 years old, WHEN am I going to be allowed to have the career and lead the life that I want? How do I actually make the grade? How long is that going to take?

Now more than ever I feel a very strong symbiotic connection to Barbra Streisand. Don't laugh, it's true. She struggled early on in her career to get recognition for the untrained talents she had. Everyone told her "no" and said "You can't do that" and tried to make her conform to a standard she didn't fit. Barbra wasn't completely polished but she possessed raw talent and was a progressive visionary. Through perseverance she made it, doing and achieving things in an unorthodox manner and proving that you don't have to follow a straight line to make it to the top. Barbra Streisand is living the life she wants to lead. That gives me hope but it still leaves unanswered the question of when and how is my break going to come? I'm lightning in a bottle and nobody knows or sees it, nobody with any authority to advance me that is.

Don't get me wrong, my life doesn't completely suck, it is better than it used to be and I am happy for the most part. But there is a lot of room for improvement and certainly an emotional void that needs filling. Most of all there is a long neglected need to feel fulfilled, happy, and productive in what I do for a living. When things are very bad I fantasize about just quitting full-time employment and taking out a biz loan and trying to make it on my own as a freelancer. God knows I don't have enough free time to really work on all the areas of my skills and career that need nurturing. Fortunately my rational brain kicks in every time I have one of these fantasies and I stop myself from making a foolish and financially destructive mistake. I am ready to go but not ready to be released and that is most frustrating of all. Patience is not a virtue I posses in great amounts. Being a maverick doesn't help matters any because my core being wants to do and be "now", not "later". I'm not content to crawl along, I want to fly damn it!

Being a slow time at work I spent a good 3 hours reading through a large chunk of the entries. Megan has moved on with her life and is a lot more stable and settled then when I knew her. Her choice of career is not what I would have anticipated but very fitting given her personality and nature and she is even a home owner and coupled. Yet, underneath the adult persona and responsibility is the same carefree, lighthearted girl I went to school with. Part of her has remained, and I suspect always will, timeless.

Reading her entries made me smile and also a little melancholy. I was reminded of the good times, the years we spent sharing confidences and dreams, passions and hobbies. But the more I read the more I found that while I was reminded of those times I saw no reflections on her part about them. All of her entries related to the immediacy of the moment and were relatively devoid of deep introspective thoughts. That made me very sad as a part of me was hoping to find validation that, like myself, there is a place inside of her that remembers those times fondly and is sad they didn't last. Of course not everyone bears their soul in their blog, lord knows I probably share too much as it is. Plus, she always was a very private person so I shouldn't really be surprised that she isn't publishing her innermost feelings for global consumption.

I'm much older and wiser and know all too well that closure comes from within, that there will always be certain questions I'll never know the answers to. Looking back now I can see even more clearly just how much alike Megan and I were. Even after all these years, the lives we've both led since going our separate ways have been more similar than dissimilar. With all that I know of human nature I doubt we could have kept our friendship in tact over the years anyway. Maybe we would have become distant friends instead of strangers, who can say? Our similarities and dominant personalities is what brought us together and ultimately pulled us apart. There wasn't room for us both in the relationship, and that wasn't any one person's fault, it's just the way it is sometimes.

We have both learned a lot and grown since our years together at school. I'm genuinely happy for her, happy to see that her life has become less chaotic and that she is happy. I wish her all the best and continued happiness in the years to come. There is still a long life ahead to live, and while we'll never be friends again, I hope that in a few years time when we meet again at our reunion we can look each other in the eyes and feel nothing but peace and good will towards each other.

Every year on the American Labor Day holiday that bloated mummy takes a TV station hostage for 24 hours and subjects innocent bystanders to his tired shtick all in the name of raising money for children with muscular dystrophy. I am not and never have been a fan of Jerry Lewis. Truth be told I find him unfunny, obnoxious, and irritating. The term "An anachronism of a bygone era" fits him to a T. However I have to give the man props, and respect him, for being able to raise money for such a worthy cause.

I respected him that is until yesterday, when he decided to take his obnoxious, putrescent comedy routine into the realm of Gay hating. Yes people JERRY LEWIS Gay bashed on his own charity telethon! While it pisses me off to no end it also cracks me up because of the hypocrisy of it all.

So how exactly did he spread the hate? Well he was tottering around stage all drunk-looking and shit trying to dodge the camera to show those of us at home how the camera follows him wherever he goes. So he wobbles over to the other cameras off the side of the stage and starts this disoriented rambling dialogue, pretending the other camera and sound equipment are the "family" of the camera that is following him (Yeah, I too asked myself if he wasn't really drunk...). He starts to point at each device and introducing them on camera as follows:

Oh, your family has come to see you. You remember Bart, your older son. Jesse, the illiterate faggot...

As soon as the word faggot spilled from his lips he starts shaking his head muttering "No! no..." and wobbling away disoriented meanwhile several members of the audience started making loud disapproving noises. I couldn't believe it. I had to watch the video clip twice I was that struck with disbelief.

I can understand that he was 18 hours into his telethon without sleep and at 84 years old he is well past the age of staying up that late. But WTF!? Being sleep deprived is like being drunk, your reactions and personal filter are compromised and the truth starts spilling out. Jerry is a bigot and clearly has a very lowly opinion of Homosexuals. And while it pisses me off to no end it also cracks me up because of the hypocrisy of it all. Here he is on national television trying to raise money for sick kids and he let's his own personal prejudice hate speak come tumbling out. Delicious!

The thing that concerns me more though is that the very children he is trying to help may be the ones to suffer as a result. Jerry is ancient and due to expire at any moment. You aren't going to change him and fortunately, with the exception of this one yearly event, he doesn't get press coverage and isn't that influential anymore as a media personality. But now a lot of people are going to have a very negative view of him and his telethon. My concern is that a large number of people both Gay and Straight will boycott his charity, thus losing sight of the bigger picture and depriving the kids of funds they desperately need. And you know damn well our scandal-hungry media will just rehash this whole incident come next Labor Day.

As bizarre and unlike me as this may sound I still support Jerry Lewis's charity and what it is he is trying to do for the children. I do NOT however support Jerry Lewis as a person. If the money were benefiting him then no, I would not be in support, but it isn't. The money is going to aid children that desperately need the funds to help fight a debilitating illness. The children are innocent and not an extension of Jerry and his prejudice.

That said I encourage anyone who was offended and thinking of yanking their support to really think about the situation and the effects your actions can and will have. There are two issues here, children with MS who need money and Jerry's prejudice. If you aren't comfortable giving money through Jerry's charity fine, but don't refuse to send the money at all. Instead find another charity and send it that way. After all your support was always for the kids wasn't it? Don't lose site of that. Only in rising above and finding other ways to do the right thing can we grow and evolve as a people and a society.

How exactly did all of this go down? Well according to the AP and various others news reports out there it basically went like this: Larry was traveling back to Idaho from DC on business and went into the men's room in the airport. Upon entering he walked up to a closed stall and peered into it through the gap between the door and wall divider to see if there was a dude inside. I'm not really sure why, after all you can tell if someone is in a stall simply by looking down beneath the closed door and seeing if there are a pair of feet there. Who knows, maybe he was also trying to get an idea if the dude inside was attractive or not. I have never done this, and have no desire to, so I'm not sure what the significance of looking in first is.

After peering in he went into the stall next to the closed one and put his bag down in front of the opening beneath the door, presumably to hide the impending activity from the view of those outside the stall (because NOBODY was going to hear the heavy breathing, moans and slurping noises...). BTW this is considered to be one of the pre-signs that someone is about to engage in a sexual solicitation which I find a little ridiculous as bathroom stalls are generally narrow, and having been in the Minneapolis Airport and used the bathroom I can confirm that they are narrow there too. That said when most of us are traveling with big bags and have to use a bathroom stall we stick them in front of the door as there is simply no room anywhere else to put them unless you are in a handicap stall. So how that can be considered an pre-sign sign of solicitation is beyond me. We are however talking about a particular subculture, so who else but them understand the significance of the minutia of all these actions...

But I digress, so after doing this Larry stands or sits (not sure as the articles didn't specify) and starts to tap his foot a few times. In bathroom cruising language this is apparently the signal you give to make your interest in having sex with the person in the next stall known. I'm serious! I did research on this topic online after reading the AP report and that's what it said. The guy in the stall next to him who he's trying to solicit then taps his foot in response and they proceed to do this back and forth Morse code of foot tapping until Larry finally gets brazen and actually taps the other guy's foot. This is followed by Larry putting his left hand with the palm up under the partition that divides the two stalls and moving it toward the stall door, basically indicating that he wanted the guy to come to the door of his stall where he'd let him in and have sex. You can also pass a note under the partition to get the point across; the hand signal is just more subtle.

In response to his hand signal the man in the next stall proceeded to put his own hand under the divider... and showed Larry his badge! As mentioned above the man in the stall was an undercover officer who had been stationed in that bathroom because there had been reports that a lot of hooking up was happening in the stalls. According to the officer Larry wasn't the only one he'd busted during this prolonged sting operation, and that the exact signals and tactics Larry used were also used by the other perpetrators’ who were arrested. Yeah...

As you can imagine Larry was not happy about this and tried to get out of it by giving the officer his business card which indicated that he was a member of Congress. There are some crooked cops out there that will look the other way when a person of substance and political power is involved. Fortunately this was not one of them and he took Larry to the police station to book him. Once there the Senator admitted to the crime and later signed a guilty plea and paid the fine.

Of course this story then got out in the media and now Mr. Craig is claiming that he did not solicit the officer for sex, and merely pleaded guilty to the crime because he was under duress and wanted it to just go away. He honestly thought that he could hide it from his family and colleagues. That is one of the lamest arguments I have ever heard, especially when you consider his position in the government and how adept our media is about finding out and reporting on incidents like this. Everyone knows that in a situation like this you deny, deny, deny! It was the cop’s word against Larry's and while his reputation would still have been tarnished there would have been some element of doubt because he denied the claims and there was no one else present to back them up.

The real irony here though is this is not the first time Senator Larry Craig has been called out on allegations of Homosexual behavior. His sexuality in fact has been challenged and under scrutiny since the 80's. The only difference is that this is the first time that the claims could be substantiated. You would think with those kinds of rumors following him around Larry would have just flat out denied or at the very least found a more discrete, and less risky, way of getting the man love he so desperately needs. It amazes me that the man actually thought it was SAFE to solicit sex through a bathroom stall. You have no idea who is on the other side as he so clearly has shown us. personally i suspect deep down he wanted to be caught, but that's another topic entirely...

Of course Senator Craig is still denying (and lying to himself), claiming he is a "straight arrow" who loves his wife and kids; the patriarch of a perfect nuclear family of wholesome values that would NEVER be involved in this kind of subversive, unmoral behavior. There went THAT image, it was good while it lasted though. While the Mrs. is still standing by her man and claiming she believes him you know damn well deep down inside she knows the truth. Unfortunately Mrs. Craig can't come to terms with it which is very understandable considering she is in her sixties and very much a product of her generation and culture. She can try and suppress it but the grief she is feeling will come out in other ways; alcoholism, depression, pills, etc. I feel very sorry for her. No woman or man should have to go through this. I really do hold the majority of the responsibility on the party in violation. There is no excuse for stepping out like that and lying to the people you claim to love but are in fact hurting.

Yes Larry, I am speaking directly to you on this. "Cumming" in and out of the stall will never free you or your wife and family for that matter. I understand you're not ready and don't want to come out but it's too late, the whole world KNOWS now what you did and what you are. Let's face it, "straight" men don't solicit other "straight" men for sex in a bathroom. And I am not saying that because I am a gay man and trying to "recruit". Lord knows my people don't need more men like you in our ranks. The crux of the matter here is you have a lot of problems emotionally and mentally, the psych books are filled with case histories and studies about people like yourself who engage in anonymous, detached sex in public as a way of dealing with unresolved sexual and emotional issues. So come on now, WHO do you think you're fooling, don't you know everybody sees you?

The melee occurred during the end of the show when the semi-finalists were asked to answer a "thought provoking final question" in order to determine who goes on and who goes home to eat mayonnaise out of a jar and then purge (or some shit like that). So, the bimbos, I mean "contestants", on stage pony up and wait to be called forward one by one. Once called they pull a judge's name out of a fish bowl (I kid you not) and then wait for the selected judge to deliver their question.

Well Miss South Carolina is up first. Her question is delivered by Judge #5, a 15 year old (I'm guessing here) girl with this super long Midwestern hair named Aimee Teegarden. BTW what kind of GD hill-billie meets hippie name is that?!? Poor kid, you know she secretly wants to be crowned Miss Teen USA herself... So Aimee asks the very blonde Miss South Carolina the following question:

Recent polls have shown a 5^th of Americans can't locate the U.S. on a world Map. Why do you think this is?

Fair enough, this is an important question. Personally I was shocked to know that ANYBODY in this country couldn't find it on a map. Our educational system is in worse shape than I had originally thought. Anyway, so Miss South Carolina shines her Plus White teeth at the audience and in her little Southern drawl rambles off the following:

I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because some people out there in our nation don't have maps and uh... I believe our education, such as South Africa and the Iraq everywhere such as... I believe that they should, our education over here in the U.S., should help the U.S. er... should help South Africa, and should help the Iraq and Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future for our children.

Sad to say that is EXACTLY what she said word for word, unabridged. Can we say, "What the fuck!"? OK, first this answer doesn't make any sense, I think what she was trying to get out was the first bit about people without maps and poor education. Secondly what does the education in South Africa and Iraq have to do with it? Excuse me "The Iraq" let's get our terms right. And how in Hell did the Asian countries suddenly become hotbeds of poor education? Miss South Carolina's attempt at being "worldly wise" made her appear to be about as topical as a fungal infection.

Clearly this girl is an airhead, the most substantial thing above her shoulders is the pound of lip gloss she's wearing. But what is truly frightening here is that she is representative of a LARGE demographic of people in the United States (particularly in the South and Midwest) that honestly believe that the U.S. is perfect and that any problems we have stem from the political and social situations in other countries. This is especially true if Africans, Arabs, and Asians are involved (Does that make them some kind of triple 'A' threat do you think?). Even more frightening is they believe the U.S. is and will "straighten" these other countries out and in doing so will build a better world for our children. Unless she is talking about the blonde haired, blue eyed Arian children of the world the U.S. isn't building a better anything right now, especially where the children are concerned. What this country is doing however is running itself into the ground by improperly educating its citizens to the point they grow up to be ignorant tubers that are uncultured and outclassed by their global counter parts.

Maybe I'm over reacting a bit here, but this is serious. Despite the incoherence of Miss South Carolina's answer (honestly are we really that surprised? She IS from South Carolina after all...) there were probably many "U.S. Americans" who agreed with the logic that South Africa and (the) Iraq had SOMETHING to do with why their fellow citizens can't find the country on a map. After all we have to keep finding justifications for why we are still involved in that Vietnam-esque fiasco which has claimed a third of our young people.

And let's not forget the subtle implications her statement makes, which ties other countries with a lack of knowledge to immigration from those countries into ours. The same people that support institutions like Miss teen USA are the same people that support this closed-minded opinion that illegal immigrants are flooding the country and ruining it. That we have had nothing to do with allowing them to get in and that the ultimate solution is to toss them out and then invade their country and "educate" them.

It makes me so damn angry and once again embarrassed to be a citizen of this country. I know there are well-educated, open-minded U.S. citizens out there. Unfortunately not enough of them are publicly visible. It's never the intelligent people that get the greatest press coverage, it's the stupid ones. Is it any wonder we are the laughing stock of the world? We're certainly not making efforts to appear better, Miss South Carolina is evidence of that. After all she is THE representative of teens from her region. That is both scary AND Trifling!

Now I likes me the European men, this is no secret, and I have to admit that I have always found a certain appeal to Vlad's face. So naturally I had to see these photos for myself. They were easy to find and I must say I am impressed. For a 54 year old man he is damn fine looking (I had a "Hello, Gorgeous!" moment when I saw them) with his muscular self. Reminds me of one of my all-time favorite lovers who was from that part of the world... *Sigh*

But I digress. My point in writing this blog (aside from reposting the pictures for your collective viewing) is that for people to make a scandal out of this is RIDICULOUS! He is just a man, how many topless men do you see at the local pool or on the beach? LOTS. And lord knows some of them have no business walking around without shirts on. At least he is in good shape, you can't say that about our political figures. Besides what harm does this do? True he obviously paid the photographers to take the pics at a respectable distance and did make them public, but who really cares? If anything he has just given a lot of people some eye candy to look at and is proving that you can be political AND sexy! (I must find a translation of the article on how to achieve that torso!)

I say, "You Go Vlad!" If you got it, flaunt it. And if you are flaunting it make sure that we all get to see the high res pics! LOL People should be grateful that it wasn't that whale Cheney showing off his flabby chicken titties (or do they qualify as "moobs"?) *shudders* now THAT would be a cause for scandal and public sickness!

As promised, the highlights of the "Shirtless Putin Pics"!

...As for the rest of you nosey people interested in the gritty-nitty of my sex life (or lack there of) here it is: I NEED a man NOW! This isn't just a case of "Need-a-man Blues" this is a full out emergency situation (You know it's bad when you find yourself unconsciously stroking the side of a full Venti coffee container from Starbucks and getting turned on by the warm, smooth sensation...). In the past month I have gone from knowing the company of a man (or two) minimally once a week to NOTHING! Yes, nothing! You can't condition a person to getting it all the time and then cut them off abruptly like that, you're asking for trouble. The tide is way out and it needs to get back to shore pronto, otherwise a homicide is going to happen!!

How did this happen I'm sure you're asking (I at least hope your asking that, I'm sure some of you bitches are laughing at my plight.). Well it's simple, my usual two men have gone adrift for the summer. One is on an extended vacation and business travel until September (and even then I suspect he might not get back in touch) and the other is very depressed and stressed out by some changes in his life and won't come out of the house except to work. As for other incidental strangers I've had this summer they have all been one-cum ponies. You know the type: Really into you and make a lot of effort to get together and have red-hot sex, then once it's been had they up and vanish, never to grace your sheets again despite their promises to come back for seconds.

The culmination of these events has left me VERY high and dry. While orgasms can be had by oneself, they are NOT the same as the kind shared with another, and I am tired of cumming alone! Finding someone to satisfy me is not so easy either. It is imperative that I have release with a man with whom I'm comfortable and familiar, one who knows my spots and vice versa. Now is not the time to be learning a new manscape, I don't have the time or patience for that, I need a skilled practitioner. And with the short shelflife men in this town have, spending time learning and training a new one just doesn't seem worthwhile.

What to do, what to do!?! This situation has a very catch-22 feel to it. Is it really too much to ask that I have at least ONE good, regularly consistent man? Oh, lover where can you be and WHEN are you coming back!?!

And to add to it, there was apparently a nice backside shot taken as well that didn't see the light of day until recently. The two are just breathtaking as you can see for yourself:

Gorgeous! Looking at that cock reminds me of a certain European ex of mine. He was big like that when flacid and when erect, OMG! 7 inches people, 7 inches!! MAJOR thanks to my dear friend Michael M. who provided me with these pictures on what was an otherwise ordinary afternoon. I love you sweetie, you are the BEST!!!

Now before we get too excited let me say that there has been some debate as to whether or not this picture is real. The ass shot is real but the cock shot is being debated. I have a very trained eye as a graphic designer and while I can see some slightly questionable quality in the image around Daniel's hairy plower, upon very close examination I am 99.9% positive the picture is real and not a fake.

Eitherway it is one HOT pic. He is sooooooo yummy... *sigh* Let's hope that they release the COLOR version soon!

Among these pioneering young women was a young Barbra Streisand. Ever progressive and eager to branch out , Barbra began to seriously flex her feminist muscles by becoming more politically active and trying to bridge the gap between two generations by experimenting with both alternative and even provocative types of music and film. Her first non-musical role of the decade was the controversial 1970 film The Owl and The Pussy Cat.

The film was based on an original stage play about the unlikely romance between an out of work black prostitute, Doris, and a white book store clerk, Felix. Because interracial romance was a very taboo topic at the time, Doris's ethnicity was changed to white for the film version and played by Barbra, who up until that time had always played the most wholesome of roles. The character of Doris was bawdy, crass, and very outwardly sexual, and much to everyone's surprise Streisand played the role to perfection. In fact Barbra was so confident and comfortable with herself that she agreed to appear topless in the film and use the word "Fuck" (at the time she was only the second female star to do so on film).

While the four letter expletive remained in the film (though was later stricken from home video and DVD releases) Barbra's topless scene was dropped from the film entirely at the last minute, after she reviewed the footage and wasn't happy with how it turned out. However word had already been officially spread about the nude scene and was causing quite the media buzz. Unfortunately what expectant movie goers saw instead of full exposure was a topless Streisand shot from the shoulders up. You can imagine the public's disappointment and anger over the bait-and-switch.

Thought to have been destroyed, the nude shots of Streisand went unseen by the public until November 1979 when the adult magazine High Society, known for getting nude and embarrassing pictures of celebrities, published them as part of a featured story. The cover of the magazine bared the headline "Barbra Streisand Nude! next to a promotional photo of Barbra as Doris in her famous see-thru lingerie costume.

Streisand's people jumped on High Society immediately and sued them for 5 Million unless they stopped the issue. Unfortunately the issue had already been shipped to the distributors and while High Society was able to recall and replace most of them with an edited version, there were still thousands of issues that were sold or sent to private subscribers. In 1982, the German version of High Society republished the original article, translated in German, with the two nude shots and again Barbra sued and won.

Being the ever crazed fan boy and Barbra lover that I am I went in search of the issue, only recently getting my hot little hands on it. I didn't pay nearly as much as I thought I would have to, though I ended up having to buy an entire lot of issues just to get this one. But the purchase was well worth it as you can see:

Yes, that is one of the pics from the magazine and yes they are the real deal. The other looks pretty much the same except that the contrast and darkness were unnaturally adjusted to the point that the quality of the picture was obliterated. Of the two this is definitely the better shot, even without the minor cleanup I had to do in Photoshop.

I may be a Gay man but I have to say that Barbra's breasts are beautiful! LOL Though I was surprised by how flat they are on top. They always appear so full looking in films and pictures. The secret to the fullness I realize are good pushup bras. Still she is fabulous and I don't understand why all the fuss and embarrassment. Looking at that picture is like looking at a work of art. It IS a work of art!

My brother Bryan on the other hand (who hates Barbra) disagrees with me strongly on this. His responce when I surprised him with the pic was:

"AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm BLIND!
I almost lost my breakfast too.
What are you trying to do, kill me!?!?
You are a sick man. You need help. LOL"

LOL He's such a nut, which is why I love him so.

The only problem I have now is disposing of the lot of High Society magazines I had to buy in order to get the Streisand issue. I discovered much to my horror that High Society is an explicit pornographic publication for Heterosexual men. I had always been told it was a "risqué" publication. Correct me if I'm wrong but "risqué" implies maybe bare breasts and sexy lingerie/clothes and posses, NOT full on open cooch shots and women giving men head along with ads for sex toys!! I was thoroughly disgusted to the point of nausea upon opening the magazine (I guess that is how my brother felt seeing Barbra LOL), thus confirming any doubts I didn't have about my Homosexuality. I am most definitely GAY! I honestly don't know how straight men and lesbians do it...

For those of you who haven't heard I'm referring to Lisa Marie Nowak, who according to police drove 900 miles in order to kidnap and murder a romantic rival. It sounds like a plot out of Dynasty involving Krystal, Alexis and the Moldavian militia but in fact it's reality.

Apparently Lisa Nowak, 43, was romantically interested (try obsessed) with her longtime crewmate and fellow astronaut Bill Oefelein, 41. It's unclear if they were actually romantically involved or not as the only thing she told police was that their relationship was "more than a working relationship and less than a romantic relationship". Which means he was either tapping her ass but not dating her or he was just a really close friend and she was secretly in love with him. You know she was sitting in a bathtub with pictures of him floating in it like in that Liza Minelli video "Losing My Mind".

Making things more complicated is the fact that Lisa Marie has been married for 19 years, though she and her husband recently seperated, and has three kids. Bill on the other hand is a divorced, single stud who was involved with this other woman, Colleen Shipman, 30, who is an Air Force Captain. When Lisa Marie found out, she went ape shit and cracked (Insert "I won't be ignored Bill." here). She broke into the dude's e-mail and printed letters between him and Colleen, then she drove 900 miles from Houston, Texas to Orlando International Airport where Colleen was due to fly in. And this is where it just gets freakier.

Lisa Marie was so wack (pun intended) that she wore diapers most of the way so that she didn't have to stop as much to use the restroom. Can we say, "EWWWWWWWW!!!!"? I know astronauts have to wear those when they first go up into orbit, but she was in her car! Though from the sounds of it her head was still in orbit around the planet psycho. But the diapers is just the tip of the ice burg, Lisa came armed with directions, a love letter to Bill, pepper spray, a carbon dioxide-powered BB gun, a buck knife, several large trash bags, $600, two trench coats, 3 to 4 feet of rubber tubing, a brand new metal mallet, and a wig. Upon arriving at the airport Lisa Marie dawned her first disguise and stalked poor Colleen to her car and tried to take her out with the pepper spray. Fortunately Colleen was able to drive away and call the cops who found Lisa Marie (in a second disguise) and arrested her crazy ass.

When asked about her motives she said that she wanted to "talk" to Colleen and thought the weapons might help Colleen be cooperative. Well yes, I'm sure if you sever someone's head and stick your hand inside and move the jaw like a puppet while talking to it they are very cooperative. Is this woman related to Mel Gibson by any chance?

How could NASA not know this woman was crazy? Those astronauts have to go through a huge battery of psychological exams and stuff. The name "Lisa Marie" alone should have tipped them off that they needed to watch this woman.

Look at her official NASA portrait, she looks all nice and down to earth. Who knew below that big hair and bright smile lurked Glenn Close's character from Fatal Attraction? She is scary looking in her arrest picture, the very image of the term "hot mess".

I don't mean to sound like a complete and utter bitch, I understand about love and the desperate, crazy extremes it can drive you to. But this is some messed up shit. This woman is totally cookoo for Cocoa Puffs. Clearly NASA didn't acclimate her back to Earth's gravitational field the last time they sent her up into space.

And if this could happen to someone highly educated like an astronaut just think about all the other people out in the world. At this very moment there could be a crazy Lisa Marie in your life that you don't even know about. Plotting and waiting in her Depends with a Hefty cinch-sack ready to make a pre-flight protein shake out of you. Just fucking scary!

In today's news I had yet another reason to question the mental faculties of Midwesterners. In Lincoln, Nebraska (home of my dear friend Phil who is the only Midwestern person I know who isn't crazy or sexually disturbed) police found 47 tombstones in the storage locker of a dead man. Yes, 47 Tombstones!!

The perp in this case is Clarence Horner, 54, who is of course now dead. From what we aren't sure. Clarence was one of those special people who lived all by himself in a remote location and didn't keep in touch with people. Consequently it took weeks before anyone discovered his rotting corpse in his home and his lovely collection of hot grave markers. While they aren't completely sure, the police suspect that his collection was built over the course of his life.

I ask you people WHO steals tombstones and WHY? What was he going to do with them? Not like you could use them as stepping stones in your garden and thus provide your tea party guests with something to talk about. And how the hell did this man steal them without being seen or caught. One or two tombstones I could see, but 47 of them!!! Didn't anyone notice he was lugging slabs of granite to his storage locker? Let alone the fact that he stole these tombstones from other places, not just in Lincoln. I think a stranger (who was probably outwardly deranged looking) hanging about cemeteries would be of concern to residents of any town.

What I also don't get is why didn't anyone notice before? It says that some people noticed that the grave markers were missing, and in some cases he actually swapped out one marker for another and hardly anyone noticed. Just goes to show you that when they stuff you in the ground you're easily forgotten. Another argument for cremation, cheaper and more environmentally friendly. After all if you're going be forgotten best to do it properly and blow away on the wind.

The Midwest may be the "heartland of America" but my resolution still stands firm: Midwesterners are FREAKS. If it truly is the heart of America then we need to have a bypass between the East and West Coasts stat!

Poor, poor Daniel, he is being forced into the cage of type casting so many actors, particularly child stars, get forced into. Yes, he is the actor who plays Harry Potter (and looks exactly like the character) but people he is an ACTOR! He PLAYS characters, he is NOT those characters. Besides how many small children are going to an adult play like Equus and therefore see Daniel's naked wanker? Honestly people, THINK before you speak!

While I have no numbers to confirm this, my suspicion is that the majority of these complaints and threats of boycotts are coming from puritanical Americans. I love my country but I'm sorry most Americans are morons with sexual hang-ups. What do they expect actors like Daniel Radcliffe to do, just remain playing the same part for the rest of their lives never changing or growing? Hello, there are only seven Harry Potter books/films, that's not enough to set the kid up for the rest of his life let alone satisfy his thirst for his art. You know it's these same stupid people who bitch about actors like Daniel experimenting with different roles and occasionally performing in the buff that then turn around and bitch that all of the actors and roles today are all the same and unoriginal. You can't have it both ways you nitwits!

All that said, let me draw your attention now to my original intention for this post: Daniel Radcliffe is one hot piece of man-flesh! I know he's only 17 but STILL!! Just look at that body!! He is quite ripped. I prefer men 30+ but every now and again you see a younger guy that is quite the nummy treat. Besides with as skinny as he is he won't age well, so we have to enjoy the view NOW before he gets wrinkled and dried out looking.

So for everyone's viewing pleasure here are some of the publicity shots for Equus featuring a shirtless Daniel Radcliffe. Unfortunately they didn't release any photos showing his hairy plower. You know there's more than a phoenix feather running through THAT magic wand!

*Sigh* So pretty... Looking at those pics just makes you want to lick him head to toe like a Popsicle! How long before he's 18 again?

It's still hard to believe that they will be gone. 27 years is a long time. They are one of the last independent businesses in the area that has been around since I was born. Everything is new and part of a corporate chain now. And what small business are still here are either recent openings or on the way out.

In going to pick up my order from the restaurant I saw just how much Joe's was loved. The place was packed with families and individuals having their own farewell meals. I had to wait forever for my food but I didn't care. All I could think about was that I will never eat there again. That very soon the building will be razed and replaced with yet another office building we don't need.

Changes like this are not something I handle very well. By nature I'm a sentimentalist and believe in growth and progress while at the same time preserving certain established things and traditions. I don't think I have been this devastated by a redevelopment since I was a kid. There used to be this fantastic playground near my brothers' high school. It was a very old school playground with the wood and metal jungle gyms and swings that hung from exposed chains. There was also this awesome structure made out of cobblestones and concrete. It had a tunnel and you could climb on it. I loved it and spent many a fine hour playing there with my mom and other random kids. When I was about 8 or 9 they decided to close the playground and "redevelop" it. They took out all the old play equipment and demolished the play rock. What they put in was a sea of bright plastic play contraptions and outdoor rubber flooring. My favorite childhood play place was gone and I remember how I cried and how depressed I felt every time we drove past it. I never played there again.

When my childhood play place was destroyed I felt an immense sense of loss and insecurity. I felt the lack of control I had over my world in a very palpable way. It was like being a mugging victim. A valuable piece of myself had been stolen and I could never get it back again. All that remained were my memories, the clarity of which fade with time. I feel much the same way about Joe's. The decision of the landholders to sell out to the developers has left me feeling enraged and victimized. There will never be another Joe's like this one again, not for me anyway. Everything it represented will soon be physically gone, leaving behind only these ghosts we call memories.

You really can't go back again. All any of us can do is go forward and carry with us all that we have endured. The pain will fade with time and the memories will lose some of their edge too. Joe's will always live on in my heart and while the building may be gone the good times and positive feelings it gave me will never be torn down. No one can take those away from me at any price. And it is that one thought that gives me some shred of comfort as I eat my last slice.