Four Months To The Day...
So I had a run-in experience today with my most recent ex, the Canadian Schnitzel. I was logged into the dating website we both met on when I looked down at the list of people who last looked at my profile. You can imagine my shock when I saw his profile listed there. When last I checked two weeks ago (after deleting all remaining contact points with him) he hadn't signed into the site since April. And of course he didn't send me a message. After the first two months of waiting for an explanation from him of his behavior I gave up all hope. Though secretly I still wish he'd call and beg me to forgive him. Heartache comes with it's own set of wishful thinking. You know seeing his profile listed there, knowing that he made a point to look at mine, really shook me. I got those nasty cold spikes in my stomach and felt my insides go into cramping spasms, sheer nerves. I don't know why I still get such scared feelings, probably because I've put the pain far enough behind me that it's just a numbness now and I'm afraid of being torn open all over again.
You know the biggest irony of it all? Today it is four months to the day since I since I parted ways with him. It's hard to believe it's been that long; I've been so busy that I lost all track of time. I'm sure he didn't register or think about it, he was always unaware of dates and the finer subtleties of emotional situations. It's been hard to accept but he is not only an asshole but also a narcissist. The only things that ever mattered to him were himself and the conquests he set as goals. Once upon a time he told me that he was determined to have me, that he was a man who mostly got what he wanted. Guess in the end I wasn't worth the having, or maybe I should say that I was too difficult to achieve. After all, I was one of the only people in his life who ever held him accountable for his actions, and as a result I was punished with abandonment. It hurts to think about it but in truth I know I'm better off without him. What we had wasn't love, it was a game of wills and strategy. Could he conquer me and add me to the list of accomplishments he'd made for himself? Well, he may have walked out on me emotionally and left me standing here with a pair of tickets to nowhere, but it was I who had the last word. Unlike the coward in this situation, I brought all I had to the table and when the deal fell through I terminated the association. While I beat myself emotionally sometimes for making the mistake of letting him in, I am proud that I was able to rescue myself from a toxic situation.
*sigh* How strange, this isn't exactly what I meant to write at all. I wanted to go on about how I don't break easily and that my life is sailing ahead without him, and in most ways that is true. But the other side of the situation is that I am still deeply hurt and recovering. The other failed circumstances of my life like my career and finances aren't helping the wound to close. But all in all it is making me stronger. I have always been a fighter and I've been damned too many times not to rise up and strike down the obstacles in my path. It might be four months to the day things ended, but it is also four months to the day since my life began again anew. Nursing a broken heart takes time and patience, but making a change takes a single action. And on that note, I think I'll head to the gym and work out some of my pain and frustration.
