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Unhappy New Year

It is 9 pm on New Year's Eve and instead of being at a party or heading out to celebrate I am finishing an unsatisfying meal of Wendy's and preparing to go to bed. It has been after all, a very long day. Beginning at 9 am this morning and ending just about an hour ago at 8 pm.

Yes, I was at the office until 8 pm on New Year's Eve. Never mind the fact that the place closed at noon. I must be insane or incredibly desperate to hold onto my job. At this point I think it can be safely said that both cases are true. This site redesign I have been working on has been beyond all consuming. Our launch date is tomorrow, and I can at least take some satisfaction in saying that I am FINALLY finished!

I would kill someone, but at this point I am just too fucking tired. All I want to do is sleep. There will be no celebrating tonight. No champagne. No party. Just wonderful, well over due sleep.

I know that all of this hard work is under-appreciated and I know ultimately it won't save me from yet another downsize if one should arise. But it will buy me a little bit of extra time. But the bottom line is that I am slaving away for this dying company for nothing.

The only bright spot that I can see is that I am at least utilizing most of my skills and learning something at the same time. I am after all a man of many talents. But I am also bored, frustrated, overworked, and under paid.

My work is virtually meaningless, demanding, unfulfilling, and ultimately taking me nowhere fast. I am festering and becoming more miserable here. I need to get out, now more than ever. I swear, next year I WILL find a new job. Something has got to come up eventually.

I am very tired, and very depressed. I need to sleep. My poor website, it has become so neglected. I want to do more with it next year as well. I certainly need to write in my diary more.

Take it easy people and I will see you next year.

Chaos At Christmas Time

Well things have been their usual busy selves if not more so lately. The construction in my office is going to start this week so that will be fun.

Speaking of things office related I attended my company Christmas party on Saturday. Oh, my God! It wasn't as bad as I had expected but what an eye opener! The booze flowed freely and so did the mouths. And sad to say I threw myself headlong from the wagon straight into the shallows of the bottle. Thank God Daphne was there to drag my drunken ass home. ARIGATO!!!!!! Also Daph, Thank you again for coming, your presence there was a total lifesaver. I totally owe you one!

As for the rest of my life well it is still about the same: Chaotic. Christmas is almost here and I am totally unprepaired. Worst still I have bought more "gifts" for myself again this year than for other people (looks guiltily at his indigo Nintendo GameCube with Legend of Zelda Collector's Edition bonus disk).

With the weeks flying by and the New Year approaching I must say that I am feeling a change coming on. As of January 1, 2004 a lot of things are going to start changing (at least I am planning on that) including this site. I have been having some new thoughts as to what I want this site to be so don't be surprised if everything gets flipped on its head.

Spankalicious Red Cherry Popper

It's official! My new car has been given a name: The Spankalicious Red Cherry Popper! Daphne dubbed it that this afternoon when we got together. She hadn't seen the car yet and upon gazing at it for the first time, she proclaimed, "OMG! Its a cherry popper!" She then went on to tailor it's new, and very suitable title. Totally cracked me up.

God I love her. This is why we have been best friends for all these years. A common bond of deep platonic love, experiences, and really sick senses of humor!

Pet Sitting & Pain

Whew! It has been a busy week. I am quite annoyed at the fact that I haven't really been able to add much to the site this time... *sigh*

With my two bosses gone now, I am at last my own boss answering directly to the company officers. I am also getting a nice little pay raise starting October 1^st. YEAH!!!!!

The only downside is that work is now very busy. There just aren't enough hours in the day to get done everything that I have to do. Things should slow down a bit in the next week or so because by then I should be finished with the transition process. Even still, it looks like I will be pretty busy most of time from now on...

In other news, I spent this past weekend dog sitting THE MOST ADORABLE Wheaton Terrier named Lila (yes, Merlin is VERY jealous. Gomen nasai Merlin-chan!) with Daphne. It was so much fun. Lila was a total sweetheart and Daph and I got caught up on old times over cheap wine (OK, I drank the cheap wine) and Vienneta!

Daph, thank you again for inviting me! I can't wait until the 20^th!!. Gunjin Otoko! Gunjin Otoko! Gunjin Otoko!

Yesterday I got both of my nipples pierced. ITAI!!!!!!!!!! It hurt REALLY, REALLY bad. I can't even begin to tell you how much it hurt. My screams were so loud and blood curdling that the people running the shop said that they wish they had recorded them because they were the best screams they have ever heard and that they would be perfect on their FAQ page under the question "Does it Hurt?"

I must say though, despite the pain and cost (It's not cheep folks, were talking $100.00 for the pair ;;sniffs and releases a moth from his wallet;;) I am very happy I finally got them pierced. I have wanted to do it for 4 years. I have no regrets, and knowing what I know now first hand about how much it hurts I would still have it done! Though I am seriously reconsidering getting a tattoo...

In case you're wondering where I went for my piercings, it is a very nice piercing and tattoo shop in Georgetown called Jinx Proof Tattoos & Piercings. The place is SPOTLESS. Cleaner than most hospitals even! Brian my piercer was really cool, and if you go there I recommend you have him do your piercing(s).

As for what I did manage to accomplish as far as site updates go, I did a little grammatical cleanup (nothing major) and changed the Song of the Week! In case you hadn't noticed by now, the songs I choose each week tend to reflect my mood or outlook at the time. This week's song is ESPECIALLY appropriate. Yes people, I've got those need-a-man blues and it's driving me mad!

Writing Like A Wicked Bitch

Well I am still modemless. *Sigh* Hopefully I can pick up one tomorrow. If I don't get reconnected to the internet soon I'm going to go into withdrawl...

I got a call today from Daphne. She is going through a very bad time right now with her ex. They have been trying the whole friends route and it isn't working out as well as could be hoped for. He is a spoiled child as far as I'm concerned. Though D has a lot of issues she is still working through. I totally feel her pain.

We are getting together next weekend because she has to puppy sit for a friend who lives in DC and is going out of town. Her friend suggested she bring someone with her, so I told her I would be delighted to come if she wanted me to. So D and I are spending from Saturday afternoon until Sunday afternoon at her friend's place. I am really looking forward to it.

Tonight was the first meeting of the season for the writer's group I belong to. It was very nice. It was held at the group leader's house. Just about all of our regular members were there, but much to my disappointment this cute guy named Ben (who came to one of our last meetings) was not there. *Sigh* Oh, well. He seemed a little interested me in, but knowing my luck, he is probably straight or attached. Well, no use getting upset about it. I know where to find men if I need them... The only thing that made things a little weird was the fact that many people brought there significant others so it was more than just the group.

Anyway, the meeting went well. But I must say that I was very embarrassed by the piece I brought. I have taken up Jenn's new writing mantra, "Write Like A Wicked Bitch," which has been very helpful and motivating. The only problem is that it is so freeing that almost anything is likely to come out. Hence my piece tonight. It is a scene from my still untitled novel. It doesn't really go anywhere specific yet. Anyway, the piece was about the main character going into a Gay bar and engaging in mutual seduction with a very cute man (far more exciting than my life presently). I was so nervous when I read it. Most everybody was stunned (as I have never presented anything like this before) and at least one person was a little, um, uncomfortable.

I was so red in the face when I finished reading it (fortunately I haven't written the actual sex scene yet...). I did get praise for it and of course helpful suggestions as to where I could tighten things up. I am very inspired now to write more. Hopefully I will stay that way. I must admit though that reading that scene made me miss the club scene a lot, and in many ways hunger for the attention of a man... I guess I will have to strike out sometime soon... though that still remains to be seen. I must think of my budget (and those nipple rings I want to get but need to afford).

Well, tomorrow is the first day of the new month and my first day without a boss. Things will be very interesting. I am definitely going to have to get my files in order and buckle down a bit. I can't afford to slack now.

I also want to start an exercise routine again. I think I will aim for tomorrow. If I can just discipline myself to work out 30 minutes a day I will feel and look a lot better. Once I get a car I can get a gym membership and start building a hot body. The hardest part is keeping with it and staying motivated. Learning to tame my eccentric eating habits wouldn't hurt either...

Tangled Strands of Thought

I sometimes wish I had Dumbledore's Pensieve from the Harry Potter books. It would make recording my thoughts a hell of a lot easier. Though would I really record them any more frequently than I do now? Hmmm... Things to ponder...

I know partly why I don't write anymore. It is because I am afraid. I fear being successful and I fear giving my own thoughts and feelings physical form. To do so means that I am truly recognizing them and thus have to embrace them and GASP! confront them.

The phrase "my heart is like a kaleidoscope" is very accurate to how I am feeling now and of late. Ever since I went out that night with Miriam some two months ago my life has been violently flipped on its head. In all ways, as much as I hate to admit it, this has been a good thing. But dealing with the feelings I have now is very difficult. Resisting the urge to hit the bottle is at times very difficult.

The beginnings of this emotional roller coaster I presently find myself on can be located at the start of my relationship with TJ. At first he was a very sweet, nice, if not hurt and lonely guy. I took to him instantly. I was so afraid of loosing him, which as it turns out was not a good thing. The longer we got to know each other the more obvious it became that we were not suited for each other. While my life isn't exactly perfectly in order, it is far more direction oriented than his currently is. This became a constant source of friction between us.

Having sex with him was oddly enough one of the best decisions I made, except for the fact that a part of me regrets it. By having sex with him I realized in frightening Technicolor horror that we really weren't suited for each other. As shallow as it seems the first sign of this was how bad he was in bed and the fact that our sexual interests didn't see eye to eye. What can I say, I'm a freaky little tart whereas he is conservative white bread. Hey, I love my white bread but it has no place in my bed.

I knew as soon as the sex began it wasn't right and afterward I felt both numb and extremely disappointed. He was a let down. And the knowledge that we couldn't stay together was even more so. It was weeks before I broke it off with him. I had many a panic attack during that time. The actual break up was hard for me to do and left me feeling very mixed. He half blew me off as being frivolous and prissy.

Which is how he related to me most of the time, with insults. While usually passive, his comments were almost always dismissive and hurtful. It was his way or no way in many cases. That isn't to say he didn't accommodate me at times, but he certainly tried to change and reshape who I was. That was also one of the driving forces in our break up.

As of this writing it has been 3 weeks since I have seen TJ or gone out at all for that matter. I am very much a creature of habit and seeing as how I am still new at the DC Gay singles scene (yes I am a VERY late bloomer) will more than likely frequent the two places I know best. Unfortunately TJ is also a creature of habit and frequents both of these places. . I am hesitant to go back out because I know I will run into him.

While I am scared of running into him (and having an awkward encounter) I am also desperate to see him again. We never really had a proper goodbye, just a "I'll see you around" and I entertain these fantasies of some sort of encounter. Though knowing him it will be ugly rather than like Minmay and Hikaru's farewell in Macross. Which seems to be the predominant template my breakup fantasies mold themselves into, though experience has shown that they turn out completely differently.

My mind is so confused. I am alone once more and very socially isolated again. I have barely been able to work up the courage to go out which I know is unhealthy. Everyone tells me this is normal post-break up behavior and that I will get through it.

In the meanwhile I seem to have gone into a depressive angry funk. I am bitter and angry toward TJ and at the same time very sad. We agreed to be friends but that hasn't worked out. I don't like feeling like the evil one who did him wrong which is how I will be portrayed in future retellings.

It's stupid. I can't control that sort of thing, yet at the same time I never meant to hurt him. But he can't see his own part in all this and is determined to paint me as a villain and that pisses me off. I tried so hard to be a good boyfriend and make him happy. Which was a fault of mine, because I over compromised myself for him. I hope one day he can see that, and if I ever see him again I am going to say that to his face.

Janis Ian's song Watercolors fits our situation like a glove. It is frightening the new meanings a song can take on once you've experienced what it is talking about.

I feel I need to make changes, to start fresh. I will finally be able to buy a car in October which will liberate me to the world. Until then I can't partake of DC nightlife, not often anyway, because the cab fair to the Metro station is VERY expensive (about $10.00 one way!).

I have decided to pursue getting my nipples pierced and am looking into getting a tattoo. I have wanted to get my nipples pierced since I was 18, and I know that my need to control and change something in my life is fueling my "let's do it" attitude. I am still scared about how much it will hurt though, so I'm not going to just blindly run off and do it. I have been doing a little research but I still have more to do.

As for the tattoo it is very up in the air. I have two variations on one design floating around in my head and two different places I am deciding between. I have flirted with the idea of getting a tattoo for over a year now, but am still undecided. I don't get the feeling I will make a decision anytime soon. I'll keep you all posted...

So I Dated A Fuckwit

Well, my Birthday was very fun. My two friends at work, Jenn and Nina, took me to this Japanese restaurant called Konami. It was Oishii! (Delicious)

On Saturday I had a Birthday lunch with my friends. It was so much fun! I had a blast! Thanks everyone! I am getting copies of the pictures from Miriam soon, and I will post them on the site!

In other news it has become glaringly obvious that my ex is a complete and total ass! So much for being "Mr. Wonderful." It was bad enough that he turned out to be this immature, direction-less prat, but now he's decided to snub me after saying that he wanted to remain friends!

I'm sure you're wondering what he did exactly that has made me so mad. I'll refrain from explicet detail and just list the top points:

• He was always paranoid that things wouldn't work out between us (surprise, surprise they didn't).
• He used to get really pissed off if he called me and couldn't get a hold of me (was afraid I was cheating), yet it was perfectly fine if I had to wait a day or even a week for him to call me back when I would page him!
• Despite his encouraging me to call him at work, when I did (which was very seldom) he would snap at me, abruptly telling me he can't talk, and then hang up.
• Whenever he called me from work I was lucky if he said "Hello" before suddenly going "I have to go!" and slamming the phone down!
• After a few weeks of dating, he became extremely critical of my life, claiming that it was a drag to stay in one place and build a career. This from the man who wanted to be a teacher one week and a circus clown the next!
• An open mouth, and a closed mind! He wasn't all that tolerant of opinions and perspectives that differed from his.
• Mind like a sieve! He had the worst memory problems, yet was always quick to jump all over me if I forgot something.

The final straw was my Birthday party. I invited him WEEKS ago (before we broke up even) to my Birthday party and he agreed to come and said he'd schedule the time off. Well apparently he forgot (a common habit of his) and he didn't bother to show up at all! Despite the fact I left him a voice mail A WEEK prior to the event giving him the designated location and time. He called me the night before but didn't leave a message. I only know he called because my phone said "1 Missed Call" and gave me the number, which was his work number.

My philosophy is that if he can't leave a message I am not calling him back to find out what he wants, especially if he's at work. Chances are he was probably calling to say something nasty about getting my message and that he has to work and needs at least 2 weeks advance notice (which I gave him!) in order to get the day off and why didn't I tell him sooner.

And there you have it. It has been over 2 weeks and not a peep out of him! I know I really shouldn't be putting this on the internet for all to read, but I HAVE HAD IT!!! I can't take the Fuckwittage anymore! I am sick and tired of his erratic behavior, flagrant insults, and his constantly trying to paint me as some villain who is out to get him! Yes people, I AM MAD and I AM BITTER!

In fact, due to my being so pissed off at him, this week's song is Shattered Glass. It doesn't fully sum up how I am feeling right now but it is the only song I found that came the closest.