Who Are You Now?
"Who are you now?" This is a question that I have been asking myself since leaving solo-employment at my old company and entered the world of contracting. Currently I am on a contract with a large, internationally renowned organization, an opportunity better than I could have dreamed of. However not everything is as it seems, and once again I am confronted with the knowledge that some doors do not lead to new rooms but simply other closets.
That is how I feel on this current contract. I went from one very toxic and limited position to one that is non-toxic but unstimulating and a complete dead-end position. While the company environment is nice the physical environment I work in leaves much to be desired. The team I'm on is stuck in a small, dimly lit room in the building's basement with no natural light and no privacy. The eight of us are constantly stewing up in each other's juices and our different personality quirks and work habits are clashing. Plus there is tension between me and the team lead and her assistant and I have concerns that my professional reputation could be damaged if I stay there much longer.
The nature of the work I'm doing on this contract involves nothing but entering content data and proofing online articles and newly developed websites. It's not that it's a bad job, but it is not a job for a creative person. I am literally cut off from my creative life blood, trapped in this grey colorless box, and consequently am growing bitter and angry. Most of the other contractors are designers too and just as frustrated as I am. Making things worse is that two of the contractors have Photoshop on their machines and are free to hone their skills and work on side design projects during down times while the rest of us just have access to the internet and basic programs like Word and Excel. So essentially when there is nothing to do I can blog, read online news, and answer e-mails. True I can look for other jobs, but I need stronger portfolio material in order to be eligible for most of them, and there is no way to create it fast enough when I have to do it solely in my own free time.
Yet the big irony is that I just found out that the contract is going to expire at the end of the month. In so many ways it's a blessing. I am grateful for the opportunity I had in coming here and it has been a step up from where I was, but now more than ever I have to move towards greater progression. Most importantly I have to answer the question of "who am I as a professional and where do I want to be?" I know that I want to have a career in design, both web and print. I have been thinking more that art direction would be a great goal to work towards. I'd have greater creative freedom and wouldn't be as heavily managed by others, and at the same time wouldn't have to do all the designing alone. But I'm not qualified enough to hold that kind of position... not yet anyway.
The real trouble is in defining myself as a designer. Because of my skills in both web development and design and my interest in other creative areas I am not just a "graphic designer", and perhaps never really was. I do more than just create pretty pictures or edit photos; I conceptualize entire product designs and physically put them together. In thinking about it I have come to realize that truly I am a "multimedia designer", but even with that revelation the issue of my education and experience still remains.
When you say you are a multimedia designer the assumption is automatically that you have a degree or two in the field and know every artistic program out there as well as the technical ones like Flash. I don't have either of those things. My plans for a degree are still in the beginning stages of coming to fruition and my skills, while excellent, are not as advanced and broad as they could be. So where does that leave me and WHAT does that make me exactly? I'm certainly not a 100% web developer and I don't have the experience level to be a true "web designer" which leaves me with no immediate answer. And if I don't know what I am right now how do I know what to look for as my next contract position? At this stage in my career, every position I take has to improve me as a designer and advance my career.
Once again I am at yet another place in my life where I feel like a complete misfit. The combination of better-than-average and sub par talents I have leave me not fitting into any kind of little box. No matter how hard I work I seem to reap very little benefit and the success I want seems tantalizingly out of reach. It's extremely frustrating and anger inducing. I'm almost 30 years old, WHEN am I going to be allowed to have the career and lead the life that I want? How do I actually make the grade? How long is that going to take?
Now more than ever I feel a very strong symbiotic connection to Barbra Streisand. Don't laugh, it's true. She struggled early on in her career to get recognition for the untrained talents she had. Everyone told her "no" and said "You can't do that" and tried to make her conform to a standard she didn't fit. Barbra wasn't completely polished but she possessed raw talent and was a progressive visionary. Through perseverance she made it, doing and achieving things in an unorthodox manner and proving that you don't have to follow a straight line to make it to the top. Barbra Streisand is living the life she wants to lead. That gives me hope but it still leaves unanswered the question of when and how is my break going to come? I'm lightning in a bottle and nobody knows or sees it, nobody with any authority to advance me that is.
Don't get me wrong, my life doesn't completely suck, it is better than it used to be and I am happy for the most part. But there is a lot of room for improvement and certainly an emotional void that needs filling. Most of all there is a long neglected need to feel fulfilled, happy, and productive in what I do for a living. When things are very bad I fantasize about just quitting full-time employment and taking out a biz loan and trying to make it on my own as a freelancer. God knows I don't have enough free time to really work on all the areas of my skills and career that need nurturing. Fortunately my rational brain kicks in every time I have one of these fantasies and I stop myself from making a foolish and financially destructive mistake. I am ready to go but not ready to be released and that is most frustrating of all. Patience is not a virtue I posses in great amounts. Being a maverick doesn't help matters any because my core being wants to do and be "now", not "later". I'm not content to crawl along, I want to fly damn it!
