Graveside Robbery
I have long held the opinion that people in the Midwest are crazy, or at the very least not the most stable and balanced individuals in this country. There is something about all of that isolation that cultivates ignorance and Republican tendencies. Not to mention a whole host of weird and bizarre personality quirks and sexual fetishes. I've been with a few Midwestern boys, I know what I'm talking about.
In today's news I had yet another reason to question the mental faculties of Midwesterners. In Lincoln, Nebraska (home of my dear friend Phil who is the only Midwestern person I know who isn't crazy or sexually disturbed) police found 47 tombstones in the storage locker of a dead man. Yes, 47 Tombstones!!
The perp in this case is Clarence Horner, 54, who is of course now dead. From what we aren't sure. Clarence was one of those special people who lived all by himself in a remote location and didn't keep in touch with people. Consequently it took weeks before anyone discovered his rotting corpse in his home and his lovely collection of hot grave markers. While they aren't completely sure, the police suspect that his collection was built over the course of his life.
I ask you people WHO steals tombstones and WHY? What was he going to do with them? Not like you could use them as stepping stones in your garden and thus provide your tea party guests with something to talk about. And how the hell did this man steal them without being seen or caught. One or two tombstones I could see, but 47 of them!!! Didn't anyone notice he was lugging slabs of granite to his storage locker? Let alone the fact that he stole these tombstones from other places, not just in Lincoln. I think a stranger (who was probably outwardly deranged looking) hanging about cemeteries would be of concern to residents of any town.
What I also don't get is why didn't anyone notice before? It says that some people noticed that the grave markers were missing, and in some cases he actually swapped out one marker for another and hardly anyone noticed. Just goes to show you that when they stuff you in the ground you're easily forgotten. Another argument for cremation, cheaper and more environmentally friendly. After all if you're going be forgotten best to do it properly and blow away on the wind.
The Midwest may be the "heartland of America" but my resolution still stands firm: Midwesterners are FREAKS. If it truly is the heart of America then we need to have a bypass between the East and West Coasts stat!
