AstroNUT
What is it with people going crazy the past two days? Yesterday there was a report in the news about a dead man who had been stealing and collecting tombstones for years in Nebraska. Now a top NASA astronaut has been arrested in Florida for attempted kidnapping and murder. WTF?! Is there something in the water we should know about?
For those of you who haven't heard I'm referring to Lisa Marie Nowak, who according to police drove 900 miles in order to kidnap and murder a romantic rival. It sounds like a plot out of Dynasty involving Krystal, Alexis and the Moldavian militia but in fact it's reality.
Apparently Lisa Nowak, 43, was romantically interested (try obsessed) with her longtime crewmate and fellow astronaut Bill Oefelein, 41. It's unclear if they were actually romantically involved or not as the only thing she told police was that their relationship was "more than a working relationship and less than a romantic relationship". Which means he was either tapping her ass but not dating her or he was just a really close friend and she was secretly in love with him. You know she was sitting in a bathtub with pictures of him floating in it like in that Liza Minelli video "Losing My Mind".
Making things more complicated is the fact that Lisa Marie has been married for 19 years, though she and her husband recently seperated, and has three kids. Bill on the other hand is a divorced, single stud who was involved with this other woman, Colleen Shipman, 30, who is an Air Force Captain. When Lisa Marie found out, she went ape shit and cracked (Insert "I won't be ignored Bill." here). She broke into the dude's e-mail and printed letters between him and Colleen, then she drove 900 miles from Houston, Texas to Orlando International Airport where Colleen was due to fly in. And this is where it just gets freakier.
Lisa Marie was so wack (pun intended) that she wore diapers most of the way so that she didn't have to stop as much to use the restroom. Can we say, "EWWWWWWWW!!!!"? I know astronauts have to wear those when they first go up into orbit, but she was in her car! Though from the sounds of it her head was still in orbit around the planet psycho. But the diapers is just the tip of the ice burg, Lisa came armed with directions, a love letter to Bill, pepper spray, a carbon dioxide-powered BB gun, a buck knife, several large trash bags, $600, two trench coats, 3 to 4 feet of rubber tubing, a brand new metal mallet, and a wig. Upon arriving at the airport Lisa Marie dawned her first disguise and stalked poor Colleen to her car and tried to take her out with the pepper spray. Fortunately Colleen was able to drive away and call the cops who found Lisa Marie (in a second disguise) and arrested her crazy ass.
When asked about her motives she said that she wanted to "talk" to Colleen and thought the weapons might help Colleen be cooperative. Well yes, I'm sure if you sever someone's head and stick your hand inside and move the jaw like a puppet while talking to it they are very cooperative. Is this woman related to Mel Gibson by any chance?
How could NASA not know this woman was crazy? Those astronauts have to go through a huge battery of psychological exams and stuff. The name "Lisa Marie" alone should have tipped them off that they needed to watch this woman.
Look at her official NASA portrait, she looks all nice and down to earth. Who knew below that big hair and bright smile lurked Glenn Close's character from Fatal Attraction? She is scary looking in her arrest picture, the very image of the term "hot mess".
I don't mean to sound like a complete and utter bitch, I understand about love and the desperate, crazy extremes it can drive you to. But this is some messed up shit. This woman is totally cookoo for Cocoa Puffs. Clearly NASA didn't acclimate her back to Earth's gravitational field the last time they sent her up into space.
And if this could happen to someone highly educated like an astronaut just think about all the other people out in the world. At this very moment there could be a crazy Lisa Marie in your life that you don't even know about. Plotting and waiting in her Depends with a Hefty cinch-sack ready to make a pre-flight protein shake out of you. Just fucking scary!
