First Comes The Depression, Then The Rage...
I've been very depressed lately (as evidenced by my lack of keeping up this blog and site consistently the last 8 months). It has been a very difficult time for me with all the shit at work and having to find a new job. Honestly I have done very little in helping myself out. I have been so down that I have taken to vegetating, which is bad. I haven't felt this bad and unable to move since my major depression and breakdown 6 years ago. I have had some bad times since then, and they have been hard, but this time around I find myself just shutting down. Maybe I should go on anti-depressants, even if it's just for a little while. I need to keep moving but it's very hard to stay motivated and in motion.
I know that this is just part of the grieving. I feel very betrayed and frustrated not only by my current employers but also by life. Though I really can't be too angry at life, I am and have been lead in some really great directions of late. But at the same time I feel very broken down. I am behind on many things and my low periods are greater than my highs. All warning signs.
What I want most is for the rage stage of this process to set in, the one that comes after the initial depression. I need to get angry in a constructive way, so that I have fuel to burn that will help me continue to make progress. As it is now I am always clawing and struggling to equalize. Bottom line I have to do something and do something soon, chances are it will be in the medication direction. I can't afford to break down again and I don't think this is something I can tackle alone, not in my current state anyway. Guess I better make a decision and soon...
