Original Guilt
Today Jay and I were talking about feelings of unresolved guilt and hurt towards people in our pasts that we loved and cared for, who in one way or another abandoned us without explanation, leaving a sea of unanswered questions. I've discussed many of these questions and feelings in older entries; "Was it me?" "What did I do?" "Did I matter?" "Do I matter?" "Am I a bad person?" "Am I unlovable?" "Am I defective?" "How can I change?" etc. Jay and I also discussed the burning need we feel to rectify these hurts and make the situation better. We hold ourselves responsible for why things turned out badly even when we know that we are not to blame.
In talking we determined that it stems from something in our early development, something that happened that was so traumatic to us that we held ourselves responsible for it occurring in the first place, call it "original guilt" if you will. As a result we have spent the greater portion of our adult lives trying to fix the original situation while simultaneously trying to prevent other "disasters" like it from happening again. And When those disasters do happen again despite our best efforts we blame ourselves even more, so it just compounds the issue.
Further more we subconsciously seek out those types of people and situations that remind us of what it was that hurt us at the beginning because there is that part of us trying to heal and make it better, so our mind says "If I can find a situation or person just like that original one and I can do it right this time it will make the original pain OK. I will be healed" It's like trying to cure a burn by rolling in flames.
In giving it even more thought we were able to correlate it further to our Catholic roots by noting that this type of behavior is just like that of Adam & Eve trying to undo original sin. Hell most Christian religions seem to stress this belief that you are responsible for original Sin and therefore you have to spend the entirety of your life atoning for it. Ironically enough Baptism is supposed to absolve you of original sin but somehow the same guilt trip about original sin continues to prevail.
And let's not forget the messages reiterated in many of the prayers from religious texts like, "God I am not worthy to receive you." HELLO!?! That is like a set up for issue-ville right there. That kind of redorick is very destructive mentally and emotionally and yet humans of all faiths are very prone to feeling guilty. Guilt can be a very powerful motivator and if you think about it the Bible is riddled with it people feeling guilty and regretful of their actions who are always seeking redemption for them. Take Adam and Eve, it wouldn't surprise me if it was themselves and not God who cast them out of the Garden of Eden. All that guilt created from having free choice and the intelligence to understand the principle of cause and effect, that one's actions affect more than just themselves. Wouldn't that be a laugh, all these little Christians believing in the righteous anger of God and it was actually human guilt all along.
But the religious tie-in aside, original guilt happens to everyone at various times in our lives. It goes hand in hand with the philosophy that until we learn our lessons we are doomed to repeat our mistakes over and over again. It's not easy to learn the lessons but it is important. By learning we grow and by growing we evolve to a higher level of overall enlightenment and well being.
