Having a Mel-tdown
Let's talk about Mel Gibson. Ok, so people don't actually "talk" about Mel Gibson they just sort of whisper his name in hushed tones at cocktail parties afraid that if they are too loud he'll pop out of nowhere, drunk and disorderly and harass them.
Anyway, so Mel fancies himself a film maker these days. And not just any kind of film maker, but the delusional crazy kind ala George Lucas, whose films MUST be gruesome and uncomfortable to watch and in a language nobody speaks. Thank God somebody has some amount of control over these releases and provides subtitles because if Mel had his way about it there would be none. Seriously. He threw the biggest hissy-fit when the distributors of Passion of the Christ subtitled the film so audiences could actually understand what was happening. Mel got so pissed he threatened to pull the film altogether and not show it in theatres. Yeah THAT'S a good way to make your film a hot seller and recover investment costs...
As if once wasn't enough, Mel is at it again with the violent US-made foreign films. Only this time he's taking his fractured lens to South America and deep into the jungle where there is no sand or Jews ('cause you know Mel doesn't like the Jews). This new film is entitled Apacalypto and is about the last days of the Mayans. Personally I think they should have entitled it Mad Mayans Beyond Thunder Dome as Apocalypto sounds Gayer than a drag queen doing Judy Garland impressions in a San Francisco bathhouse. At least Passion of the Christ sounded relatively interesting and dramatic. Apacalypto sounds like some cheesy Hollywood disaster flick like 28 Days or Asteroid.
Though the bigger question is how can Mel Gibson make a movie about the last days of the Mayans when historians and archeologists are still in the dark about what led to the end of that civilization? I thought it was one of those great-unsolved mysteries of history. What, did he used his Temple Time Machine to go back and film the last days and the coming of the Spanish "liberators"? Perhaps a little Jesus fish swam out of the Dead Sea and into Mel's ear and upon entering his brain revealed all to him. You know Mel sees dead religious people walking around like real people. Which explains part of his crazy anti-Semitism, seeing all those undead Jews pisses him off. Even in the afterlife they are rocking his fundamentalist Christian world.
Poor Mel, he's so damn crazy and scary, the man needs medication. He's turned into every crazy character he's ever played: Mad Max, Martin Riggs (Lethal Weapon 1, 2 & 3), Jerry Fletcher (Conspiracy Theory), Rev. Graham Hess (Signs). Apparently Mulder and Scully were right, the truth is out there and it's taken up residence in a Montana ranch and is making high budget independent films. You know Mel's kids are running around the house with tin foil on their heads just like in Signs.
Brooke Shields should have used Mel Gibson as a prime example of why crazy/depressed people need medication in her rebuttal to Tom Cruise's statements about anti-depressants. Can you imagine the terror that would have been unleased if she hadn't been medicated and allowed to run around armed with a baby and acting like Mel Gibson? I shudder at the thought... Nothing would have come between her, her Calvins, and the kid!
Being all religious and into the holy shit you know Mel is going to do a trinity with these films. He's done Jesus, now the Mayans. My guess is the next one will either be about Pompeii or Atlantis. Though he could also do Mesopotamia or Samaria. I'm sure his next film will have the passion of Jesus and the apocalyptic destruction of the Mayans... OMG! His next film will be a live action re-make of FERN GULLY!!! Though his version will be entitled Revelation of the Fairies or something like that. If he plays his cards right he can get Captain Planet in on the act. I can see Mel now at the premiere, "By your Box Office dollars combined, I am Captain Crazy!"
