Crimes of Decafination
I have been dragging at work the last week. My sleep hasn't been off, the bull shit quotient hasn't increased any, and yet I am constantly tired, irritable, and unable to focus. And no amount of coffee seemed to help either. I would drink as many as 4 cups a day without any effect.
This strange phenomenon was really concerning me until this morning when I finally discovered the culprit: Decaf. Yes, decaf. I don't drink decaf people. I despise the vile stuff and don't understand why it exists. Coffee is an acquired taste and consumed for the purpose of giving you energy. So why would you want to drink a chemically altered version that tastes bad and gives you no energy?
I'm sure you're wondering how, if I don't drink decaf, I ended up being poisoned with it for a week and didn't notice. I'll tell you how. You see We have one of those nifty single brew coffee makers at work that uses the little pods, and every morning I make myself a cup of hazelnut crème coffee with LOTS of fake crème and sugar to disguise the bitterness. Unfortunately ALL of the boxes that have these wonderful pods in them look the same. They are all red and have the name of the coffee on them in non-descript black text with a picture of a generic cup of coffee below. We have both regular and decaf versions of each flavor and the decaf live on one side of the cabinet and the regular live on the other.
Some IDIOT opened 2 boxes of decaf hazelnut crème and put one on the decaf side and the other in front of the regular hazelnut crème box. Because all of the boxes look identical this switch wasn't immediately obvious and so unsuspecting people like myself became victims of a crime of decafination. With as much coffee as I drink it is a wonder I didn't have a stroke from the detox.
You better believe as soon as I discovered this horror that I moved the boxes back to their correct places and got myself a cup of much needed caffeine. I am feeling much better and at last making headway through the piles of work that built up as a result of the slowdown in my productivity over the past week. If I ever discovered who poisoned me with decaf you can be assured that vigilante justice will be carried out so that nobody else has to suffer at the hands of a depraved decafinator!
