Unresolved "Ex" Angst
Lately my introspective thinking has been on overdrive, especially where an ex of mine and our failed relationship is concerned. While there was a time I was so afraid of losing this man and making a regrettable mistake in terminating the relationship, I realize now that he isn't what I want and I have no desire to date him again. Truth be told I am finding it hard enough just remaining friends. And it's not like I can just (or should) tell him that because it will cause unnecessary hurt. Add to the mix several upcoming social events we agreed to attend together (though not as a couple) plus the fact we are still having sex on occassion and you can see my dilemma.
It isn't that this man isn't a nice guy or has treated me badly, because he hasn't. He's a great guy, just not a great guy for me, not when I really evaluate everything. When I think of him as anything but a friend I find myself wanting more. His personality is a little too childish for my tastes and at times his thinking too rigid. While we share many of the same interests and goals in life our overall approach and direction in life is conflicting. It's like trying to shove a round peg into a square hole.
These feelings aren't new, even when we were dating something was never quite right, but until recently I have suppressed them. And whether it is post-breakup fallout or just natural realization, I can't ignore the fact that 9 times out of 10 he annoys the piss out off me and sets my teeth on edge. What I once found quirky and eclectic I now find aggravating and annoying. The sad part is I know he feels the same way about me at times, that the distinct polar differences in our personalities clash on an inner level, like deeply buried shrapnel that you can always feel but can't remove.
I hate feeling this way, it doesn't seem fair to him because really he hasn't done anything to me directly to merit it. And the last thing I want is to be disingenuous and stay in touch out of duty and social politeness or because he may have a use eventually and why burn the bridge. I WILL NOT pull a Pete! Ugh thinking of how that man has treated me just boils my blood, best for me not to get started on THAT tangent... Maybe it's destructive but I'd rather be honest than lie and give false impressions.
At least some comfort can be taken in my acknowledging the behavior and trying to correct it rather than deny and justify. As much as he annoys me at times I am still committed to trying to make things work on a friendship level and learning to be more accepting and tolerating of others' quirks.
I know the majority of the issue is with me and not with him per se. There is clearly some issue there I need to address and resolve. What that issue is I'm not sure yet and nor do I expect the answer will come easily. I guess all I can do is try to breathe and keep an open mind and heart and not let my negative feelings cloud my judgment or vision. As uncomfortable as I feel around this man at times I clearly need to be around him right now to learn something new and gain greater enlightenment and inner peace. Everyone we encounter in life are both a teacher and a student as we ourselves are. They give and take from us new knowledge and we give and take from them new knowledge. It is all part of the inter-connection of life. Half the fun is in the lessons and the journey.
