Out of the Past
In a place as confined as the DC Metro Area it is inevitable that at some point you will cross paths with people you know or have known again and again. In some cases this can be a positive experience. A chance turn at a corner brings you face to face with a happy reunion with a long lost colleague/friend/classmate/lover etc. I've seen it happen, Hell I've even been part of it myself. When it happens it has almost a magical sense to it.
There are other times though when the same encounter is not so magical or welcome. A chance walk down the street leads you smack into a past colleague/friend/classmate/lover etc., whom you probably can barely think of without feeling venomous contempt bubbling over. And then there are those other times when you encounter an individual or individuals from your past whom you parted ways with in an unusual or unpleasant way and you don't feel anything. Given what happened in the past you should feel some amount of disgust or anger, but there is none.
This later, uncommon occurrence is exactly what happened to me tonight after work. I was picking up some groceries and just as I was taking a half-gallon of milk from the display case I turned around and was face to face with two enemies from my past.
To give you some background, these enemies were not always enemies. Once upon a time they were close friends of mine whom I thought were genuine and true. How sadly I was mistaken. I knew these two from High School, they were Seniors when I was a Freshmen and belonged to a larger circle of friends. By the time I had graduated that large circle had broken down and scattered and since all of my other friends had left the area (and I was in the downward spirals of a major depressive breakdown) I ended up becoming absorbed by what remained of this older crowd.
For a while it was fun. We hung out, and partied and drank and dreamed, like the characters in those underground cult nerd classics like Clerks (Which BTW is an AWFUL movie). But then things changed. The group became involved in amateur dabbling in the occult, and certain individuals at the core of the circle were drama addicts who kept ridiculous shit stirred up and were constantly intruding into everyone’s life. Things only became worse when a stranger, met over the Internet, became a key friend to several of us. The result in the end was one large series of wild and bizarre events that turned into me (and several others over a systematic period) being accused of some crazy shit and plotting against "the group" the price for which we were turned against and fled with what remained of our sanity.
At the time this happened I was almost at bottom in terms of my depression and was very alone and very scared. It was the sheer power of some higher being, the Universe itself perhaps, that enabled me to find the strength to pull myself out of that portion of the pit and cut the entire group out of my life permanently. It was very hard and very scary, especially since I received threats, but in the end I was freed and soon after hit true rock bottom and began the slow and painful ascent back up into the world of the living.
All of this took place almost 5 years ago now, which to me is hard to believe since it feels like both a lifetime ago and yesterday all at the same time. So you can imagine my surprise when I turned around and saw two of the key individuals from this group, and two of what I assume are their new friends, in the frozen food aisle at my local super market. After all these years they hadn't changed much, one had cut off his ponytail while the other had gotten even larger than he already was.
It was in that split second that my eyes locked with one of them, a weasely, little shrimp-like boy-child that had threatened me with physical harm at the time of my exiting the group. The other didn't seem to pay any attention, if he recognized me he made no sign of it, which wasn't unusual as he was always a stony faced person. The shrimp got a malicious grin on his face, as if enjoying his own private joke. I just looked at him, unmoved, turn and walked down the next aisle that I needed to go down.
It was a startling experience I didn't expect to run into them despite the fact I knew they were all still in the area and slumming around. From the looks of them they hadn't changed or matured, still the same white trash that they always were. They came down the aisle I was in and tried unsuccessfully to pretend that they didn't see me. I knew what they wanted, they wanted to get a good look at me so they could snicker and gossip amongst themselves about a person they once knew a lifetime ago who no longer existed.
Yet even with that knowledge and having them within feet of me I did and felt nothing. I let them go on past as if I hadn't noticed them. It didn't matter because I knew that I had grown and was beyond them now. There was a time I was much weaker and both afraid of them and vulnerable to their psychological attacks. They couldn't hurt me anymore with their words or anything else. Not only am I free from that situation physically but I am also free of it emotionally and mentally. Despite the things that frustrate me and make me unhappy I am in a good place in my life and spiritually at a level that they will probably never reach. Instead of feeling anger or hatred towards them I feel nothing but serenity and a sense of peace.
I feel good, better than I have felt in a very long time. Sometimes we can be so down on ourselves and the present situations in our lives that we lose perspective of where we have been and what we have overcome. I came out of that past a long time ago and have and will continue to move forward. My life, despite its frustrations and set backs is good, and for that I am happy and thankful. No matter what happens there is no moving backwards, only forwards and I need to heed this as an important lesson: That the next time I bitch about my life and bemoan how awful it is I need to stop and look back at the road traveled. Only then will I gain perspective on the present and find the next steps ahead.
