What A Fool I Am
No matter how much I learn it seems there are some lessons I just haven't learned fully yet. Once again I moved too fast and hoped for too much and hurt myself emotionally in the process. For those of you who have been reading my entries the past week or so I am referring to the situation with Mike T.
Sad to say it's over, and truly before it was begun. The past few days I have checked CL off and on for postings by Mike T. I know it's paranoid and silly but I had to know if he was out for ass or something more. He and I were supposed to be getting together tonight for dinner and a movie, at his suggestion, this would have been our second date. I got concerned when I didn't hear from him to confirm the plans and sure enough when I checked CL I saw that he had posted an ad today looking for sex. It was more cleverly disguised, as I knew what his others looked like, but there was no denying it was his post.
I was hurt and tried to be level headed about it. After all we are both free agents who did meet under the guise of hooking up. When things turned more intimate and he suggested platonic outings I thought perhaps something more was possible, and at that point I realized that I have been wanting more than just sex, I have been wanting a relationship.
In trying to stay calm I measured all the options and scenarios. I was talking it all over with Bibish when Mike called. He told me he wasn't up for a movie tonight and maybe we could meet in a park and hook up. His roommate would be out after 7 but he as in the mood to have sex in a public place. That is when my alarm bells became klaxons of dooms. I flat out asked him if he had plans with someone else and he denied it. I laughed and said, "I'm not going to be coy about this, I saw the ad you placed on CL. Don't lie it only make things worse."
And at that point we basically leveled it all out. He isn't looking for a relationship and didn’t think I was. I explained to him that I wasn't but that after we met and had such a great time that was more than just meaningless sex I realized that what I do want is a relationship. Not necessarily with him but I want one. I need to have intimacy back in my life.
He basically said that that is good knowledge to have and at that point we were awkward to each other on the phone. The classic, "Wow it's over and exploded messily what do we do now?" It was hard, I knew I'd never hear from him again and I felt like an idiot. We somehow gracefully got off the phone, wishing each other well and I told him if he ever changes his mind about dating to give me a call. And that was that.
I'm not sure exactly what I feel right now. It's a strange mixture of calm and rage and pain and sadness. I want to cry and eat and scream and yet I want to get physical and hit something. Maybe I should go to the gym and work it out...
What I do know is that I moved too fast and expected too much and didn't clearly communicate what I wanted and didn't get all the facts before I jumped. I feel used and plain stupid. I'm too old and too smart for this shit. And yet I keep repeating the same mistake. I keep taking up with men that want the opposite of what I want, who play games, and don't communicate well. And I keep failing to figure out what it is I want before jumping in.
You live and you learn and every experience and encounter is a learning experience. I knew when I met Mike it was a learning experience. I think I have identified all the lessons and am now in the painful process of slowly digesting and processing them. Tomorrow is a brighter day and there is no time like right now to start over. I know what my goal is; now it's time to start blazing a trail towards it.
