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I Miss You... Right Now

Tonight certainly has turned out to be a lonely night full of sorrowful feelings. This down mood has been unexpected, especially since the day started out so upbeat.

Yesterday Heather called me, it's been a few months since we last spoke, and as it turns out she is moving closer in. She wanted to see me, and I wanted to see her, so I lent her my assistance in moving. I really wished I had known she was moving earlier, as I could have given her my time and help earlier. She and her boyfriend have to be out of their old place by Wednesday so today is the only day I could give her.

I'm glad I was able to help though. It was good to see her again after such a long time. Despite everything she is really doing well. Ditching her loser of an ex-fiancé was one of the best things she ever did. After 6 years she's starting to get her life back on track. I like her new boyfriend a lot, he's a great guy and treats her the way she deserves to be treated, with love and respect.

Despite that positive note, today had an over all foreshadowing of gloom to it. Heather's old place is only about 15 minutes away from where my friend Pete lives. I haven't spoken to or seen Pete since I dropped by unannounced in December to see if he was all right. I have called and left him numerous voice messages since then but he has not replied to a single one. I decided before I went down to heather's that after I helped her move I would go visit Pete and see if I could catch him at home.

As it turns out when I got there the lights in his house were off, except for the TV downstairs. He still had the electric candles in the windows up from Christmas. There was a definite sense of emptiness about the place. His car was parked out front and I took this as a hopeful sign that maybe he was home after all. I rang the bell and waited and waited but no answer. I even called but only got the answering machine. I didn't hear any movement at all from inside and from the tiny crack in the blinds I could see through there appeared to be nobody around. I was crushed.

Getting back in the car I tried to find a pen and paper so that I could leave him a note but unfortunately I had neither with me. I felt so small and abandoned. I don't know what's going on with Pete. Last we spoke he said that things weren't well with his family in Philadelphia and that he'd talk to me soon and fill me in. As I mentioned earlier, he has made no effort to contact me. I just don't know what to think or feel.

A part of me thinks he's avoiding me. Seeing his car there I wondered if he was pretending not to be home. I know he spends a lot of time now in Philly, and I always assumed he drove up. I guess he flies. Either way he's gone and I can't seem to get through to him at all. I guess he gets my voice messages but who knows. I'm going to try e-mail next, in hopes if a response, but I don't one will come. I feel like a man who stands on the dock all day long, waiting for the return of his lost friend that went to sea and never returned.

I miss Pete, more than my words can express. It's as if there is a hole in my soul. An important element in my life has suddenly been ripped away and I don't know how to get it back or how to cope with the loss. It's like he's dead. I grieve his absence almost every day, the despair I feel about this is at times too much to bear.

And of course when I get this down, I start to think of other upsetting situations in my life. In this case Big. I miss him too. Things haven't been the same for a long time, especially the last few times we've gotten together. I am despondent over what has happened with him. I love him and miss him in that sense, but I also miss my friend. I feel like the balance of our friendship has changed and I am stuck floundering.

So much sorrow, so much grief, such a sense of loss. I don't handle losing people well, especially the men in my life. Be they friends or lovers, the loss of a male is devastating to me. I have so many female friends, I've always bonded well with women, but not men. No, with men I have had very few close male friends, and most of the important men in my life have ended up abandoning or letting me down emotionally. It's a vicious occurrence that began in my childhood when my father walked out on us. I felt so victimized as a child by that. It's hard to describe how defective and unlovable you feel when a parent just leaves you like that, as if you were a carton easily disposed of.

The older I get, the more I see how that initial abandonment has paved the way for all of the hurt and distrust i feel towards men. I have known this for a long time, but now more than ever I understand. I generally don't feel loved and approved of by men. My ex John was the first man to truly make me feel whole and lovable. But even he has let me down so many times emotionally. It's not his fault, he has his own issues and human faults, the same way I do. But to my already broken and scarred heart, the pain caused by those let downs is unbearable. I really never have gotten over what my father did to me. Despite having healed many of my issues towards him, there is still a core part of me deep inside who is a bewildered and wounded 5-yearold seeking comfort from a phantom in the dark.

I know that if I am ever to have a healthy relationship with any man that I have to find a way to heal myself. To comfort that broken child, to nurture the wounds of neglect until all that remains are pale scars. It's not an easy task and I hardly know where to be begin. All I know is that right now I feel very alone, and very broken, and until the despair passes I can't move very far in any direction.

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