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Body Onion & Other Locker Room Wrongness

Recently I have taken up going to gym regularly again. I am slowly getting back into shape, which in turn makes me feel great. And over all I enjoy going to the gym and getting my pent up energy and frustration out.

However there is one thing I DON'T enjoy about the gym, which I had totally forgotten about until recently. And that my dear people is the 10^th level of Hell known as the mens locker room. Now some of you may think that I'm overreacting but I'm serious, the mens locker room is perhaps one of the nastiest places on the face of the planet. Men are notorious for being filthy pigs when in public restrooms; add showers, steam chambers, and lockers to the equation and it just magnifies the disgusting factor 100 fold.

Most people (especially straight men) seem to have this misconception that for Gay men the locker room is this steamy, sexy, paradise of manflesh and eroticism. This has been glorified in countless tales of erotica and porn videos. The truth is, with the exception of a small minority of the population, for most of us the men's locker room is nothing more than a putrescent Hell-trap. A place where decency and hygiene goes to die and fester eternally.

To illustrate this more clearly I will now highlight the 3 worst atrocities to be witnessed in any men's locker room:

Atrocity No. 1: The Amazonian Odor Jungle

The minute you walk into any men's locker room the first thing you are struck with is the smell of the area. It is hard to put into words the exact odor but it is something close to a composition of hot, moist, stale air, mold spores, and astringent. The air is so acrid it burns the nostrils upon contact, and the further you go into it the more overwhelming it becomes. The average temperature is something like that of an Amazonian jungle, complete with moist textures (from the showers and poor ventilation).

Body odor, or Body Onion, as I refer to it is an imminent threat to your nasal health. For some inexplicable reason there are droves of men that never learned the necessity of deodorant and worse still insist on letting their bodies get sweaty and dirty BEFORE coming to the gym to work out. This results in the smell becoming compounded, producing a smell comparable to that of hot, rotting onions that have been festering in a tin can for 3 weeks. Some of it is so bad it almost makes you puke. What is worse is that many men don't wash their uniforms for a week at a time or sometimes ever. They just reuse them over and over again, grinding this putrid smell into the fabric so no matter where they go either on the gym floor or the locker room they leave permanent scent trails in their wake.

Atrocity No. 2: Fungus Among Us

Because of the climate conditions in the locker room mold and fungus are prevalent. Oh, yes the gym staff use high concentrations of bleach water to try and kill the germs but because of the 17 hours of perpetual steam and un-circulating air the bacteria spores continue to multiply rampantly. And while some bacteria becomes visible in places in the form of mold patches most of it is unseen making contact with anything in the room, particularly the floor or steam room, a health hazard.

Despite this danger most of the men in the locker room run about barefoot. Just looking at it makes you want to puke because you know with each step they are picking up another layer of germs and stuffing those germs inside their socks and shoes, which then go home with them. It's like a dirty bomb waiting to go off for the unsuspecting spouse that picks up those same shoes later or does the laundry.

What's worse is when you spot a man with visible foot fungus walking around barefoot. Apparently it's not enough that the place is a breeding ground for the Black Plague, these men feel they need to contribute to the spore colonies. And then the other non-visibly infected idiots follow behind them and track it everywhere. Again, enough to make you puke. Is it any wonder that Tenactin is still such a hot seller?

Atrocity No. 3: Total Exposure

At first thought, the idea of a room full of naked men is sexy. And a room full of naked men IS sexy... provided they all look like sculpted Grecian athletes or Abercrombie & Fitch models (and the room itself is clean). The truth is the gym is not just full of toned gym bunnies, it's also teaming with packs of average, overweight mules. This isn't too bad when men like these are clothed and on the gym floor. But once they make it back to the locker room it's a different story.

In the stifling confines of the locker room the clothes come off and every type of ghastly body shape cavorts around naked and un-bashful. You can't escape, every view is covered in hairy backs, mounds of flubber, wrinkled flesh, callused feet, fungus-infected nails, bad tattoos, unnatural growths, jungle cracks, and oddly shaped penises. Yes there are a few hotties but the greater view is pure Trollville; a wasteland that manscaping has forgotten. And these men don't care either, they let it all hang out with pride and make no attempt to be discrete or decent. It's NOT sexy, it's nasty and enough to make one turn asexual!!

I don't know what the solution is or even if there is one. Most men are filthy, hygiene -impaired Neanderthals and therefore putting them in a room together where their lack of cleanliness can freely intermingle is unacceptable. All I know is that I hate the locker room and wish there was someplace private and clean I could change in. If only they'd see the sense in letting the Gay boys with taste change with the ladies. I have a feeling they are a lot cleaner than their male counterparts.

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