A Whore In Deed
There are times in our lives that despite knowing better we do things that are wrong. The reasons behind making such choices vary, but the core issue remains the same: nobody is perfect and sometimes temptation is greater than the will to resist. Last night, I had one of those moments of weakness and knowingly went back into a bad situation, and for a brief moment in space sidestepped every ounce of morality I have for the sake of my own indulgence.
Several months ago I made the decision to end a long-term affair I had been having with a partnered friend of mine. It was not an easy decision to make, but I knew it was morally and spiritually the right thing to do. Since then there have been many opportunities and temptations to go back. It has not been easy walking the higher ground and I have found myself many times wanting what I know is bad for me.
Last night I received a call from my friend, and while I initially held out, I eventually made the choice to get in my car and drive to sinville. The most alarming part of all was that I didn't care. I knew what I was doing was wrong but in that moment I didn't care. All I wanted was to feel release with someone comfortable, someone I know is a guaranteed good lay. After my weekend with J.H. I have become even more sexually frustrated and last night I hit the breaking point and decided to go for a sure thing, even though I knew it was wrong.
To some it may sound like I'm making excuses. In actuality I'm not. I am merely stating the facts behind my thought process. I'm not proud of what I did but at the same time I don't feel as bad as I would have had I done this months ago. Which is very important, because last night I realized there was nothing left emotionally between me and my former adulterous paramour. There was a time when my emotions were very tangled up in the situation. I needed the relationship, regardless of how unhealthy, at that time in my life. It was easy and the naughty part of it was thrilling, until the emotional reality set in anyway. No matter how great the sex was or how fulfilled I felt in the moment there was always a part of me that was left feeling hollow and sad. There was no disguising the fact that I was a whore in deed. That realization broke my heart.
In the months that followed after I ended the affair, I still craved the forbidden flames. While I had detangled myself from the affair I had not detangled my emotions. Last night the passion and lust were merely that, purely animal. There was no emotional investment in it from me, just my body and desire. As odd as it sounds I think I needed that. I needed more closure than I previously had, even though in gaining that closure I hurt myself again. I made myself a whore once more and even though I've washed my body clean of the sin I can't as easily wash clean my own heart.
I am penitent for what happened but at the same time I am not sorry it happened. There was a greater lesson I needed to learn here. I went into the situation with the mindset that it was a one shot deal. There would be no resuming the affair, this was truly the last stand. I feel even more strongly now about that then I did last night. Despite feeling dirty and cheap, I feel more balanced spiritually. I am finding my way piece by piece and most importantly I am making peace with my past and letting go of old pain. The most significant growths are usually the most painful. From here I can only continue to move forward and I accept whatever consequences come of it. This is but one more mile traveled in the journey.
