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A New Hope And Understanding

It's said that if you want something and you put positive energy and intention for that desire out there it will eventually come true. Like planting the seeds of dreams that eventually grow into forests of reality. Even though I am the kind that loses heart and doubts easily, especially when things don't happen the way I think they should according to my timetable, I put a lot of stock into that philosophy. There is a resonance of truth in it and there have been numerous occasions in my life where just being still and putting the thoughts out there have caused seemingly unmovable situations to shift.

It has been a little over two months since I last saw Big. That uncomfortable evening ended with tears and a very heavy conversation about the chances of us ever having more than a platonic relationship. Despite some terrible things that were said at the time we have continued to keep in contact since then. And while the friendship was still in tact, there was definitely a visible crack in it, and for myself there has been so much pain and anger. While I have made remarkable progress emotionally and spiritually over this situation there has continued to be a lot of pain and anger that has remained in my heart.

Today Big and I got together for the first time since January and spent some truly quality time together. It was wonderful seeing him again and just talking. No relationship drama, no tears, just good conversation and a feeling of shared affection.

At first I was a little uncomfortable and my feelings of anger were stewing inside of me, especially since I felt at first that Big was more interested in himself than in me. I quickly realized that that was silly, and upon that realization it dawned on me that I have not been completely fair to him. In the past six months Big has had his world turned upside down. He lost his mother, he bought his first house, his job became a living Hell, and then on top of it all he gets bombarded with the knowledge that I'm in love with him and always have been months after his heart was broken by my carelessness. With all of that chaos and change I have been expecting him to move on my timetable. Oh, I have been understanding of his situation and certainly not callous about it, but at the same time I wanted him to become a super man and rise to my expectations and needs.

I understand in my heart now that Big needs to be free to be himself and live out his life as it is right now. He needs time to adjust and the space to be unrestricted. Part of love is letting go and letting be. That is hard for me as I'm a control freak and insecure when it comes to love because I'm so afraid of being hurt and abandoned. And really when I think about it, I am just as il-prepared for Big right now as he is for me. I have a lot of issues still left to work through. I can't wholeheartedly give him myself until I learn to fully love myself.

My outlook on this situation is not the only thing that has changed. In being with Big and just spending time together I see how he's changed since we were last together. He's more confident and happier (despite the chaos at work) and he's starting to set healthy boundaries with people, particularly his "special friend." I was stunned and very happy. He's making efforts to make his life and relationships better. And for the first time I am finally able to see these changes. Before everything seemed lopsided. There were times I felt I did not get the same treatment as his "special friend." If Big attempted to set healthier boundaries with him I never saw it. And in turn that upset me and made me very angry. I cannot remember how many times I ranted at friends in frustration about how I wish he'd make efforts to show me that he values me as much as he claimed. At last he is finally doing just that.

For the first time, in probably our entire knowing each other, the playing field has become almost completely equal. We both are making proactive efforts to take our lives and relationships with people to the next level of growth, which opens the door for a myriad of possibilities. And where our friendship is concerned, we've crested the hill. From here almost anything is possible, even romance. It's too early to tell anything, but one thing that is evident is that our friendship is stronger now than ever before and that it will only continue to get stronger from here.

And in the realm of adversity makes strange bedfellows, Big's "special friend" may become my next client! Apparently the man has a website he needs re-launched and some graphic work that needs doing. Big didn't fully realize what I did before as a job until the discussion came up my making efforts to go completely freelance in the next few years. The suggestion of his friend using my services was his and I was completely fine with it. It's funny, I have been saying for a long time that I want the situation with the "special friend" demystified. I have long since gotten over any feelings of jealousy or threat from that man. We are both two of Big's closest friends and there is no reason why the two of us should be kept apart and in the dark about the other. We are all adults here and its about damn time we started acting like it.

I am very excited and even more hopeful for the future. It feels like things are finally moving in the right direction.

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