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Lullaby For Myself

Since my long weekend in New York I have gained some amazing clarity on my current debacle over my feelings for Big, my need for sexual release, and my desire for companionship. Despite the instances where our different energies clashed, being with J.H. this past weekend was nice. It has been such a long time since I have felt comforted and cared for. I had forgotten just how wonderful it feels to cuddle and hold hands and just be generally intimate with another man. I've missed it, more so than I ever imagined.

And yet even though I felt safe and warm in J.H.'s arms, when I thought about him and the situation I realized I loved and cared for the feeling more than I actually cared for him. Don't get me wrong, he's a nice man and I care for him as I care for any friend, but I certainly don't love him or have any deeper attachment to him. In fact, the more wonderful the feeling while cuddling with J.H. the more I thought about Big and how when I cuddled with him, or even when I give him a hug, the feeling is and means so much more. When I'm with Big I actually feel something. There is a warmth and consuming joy that I just don't feel with anyone else.

Putting all of this together it became fully clear to me what I need and need to do. I am lonely, and while a relationship would be nice, I don't just want "a" boyfriend. I want Big as my boyfriend. I don't want to share all of me with just anyone, I want to share it with Big. And while I know that there is no possibility of a relationship right now, maybe even ever, I just can't let go. There is no killing what I feel in my heart. I love Big, and in trying to deny those feelings and kill them I have only made things worse and myself more miserable. I don't know how long it will take, but I will know when it is the right time to give up all hope and move on. Until that time comes I will wait for Big, even if that means being alone for a very long time.

However, these past few weeks I have become aware that a part of me has shut down. I still have all the feelings I ever did and then some, but their intentions and reach are more focused rather than being all over the place. I know who and what I want, and I know what I need. My heart belongs to me and to Big, and until he claims it I shall spend my energies on looking after my own affairs. I'm going to more ardently pursue my education and creativity and focus on making my career and life go the places I want them to go. From now on I'll sing a lullaby for myself and not look back or regret and lament the past. What's done is done. I have to move forward in order for anything to happen and that is precisely what I plan to do.

While I intend to move forward and at the same time hold out for Big, I cannot and will not hold out sexually. Big has his fuck buddy so why shouldn't I have one of my own? I have had fuck buddies in the past, but they are long since gone on the wind. I need to find a new man who can satisfy me sexually, and help take the edge off my loneliness and cabin fever. I don't need to love or have much deep connection to him. The fact is I don't want that. I want somebody with whom I can be comfortable and relaxed and who can match me in the sexual arena and give some fulfillment to my desires. It's not what I'd ideally have for myself, but given the present state of things it is something nonetheless and for now enough.

I am vowing to make this time different than the past. Rather than having a string of lovers I will have one designated lover. The arrangement will be for mutual benefit. I am going to choose my new fuck buddy more carefully than the previous ones and this time around certain boundaries will not be crossed. The object is to have our sexual needs fulfilled and a small part of our companionship needs met as well. Being deep and close friends is not part of the deal, and the fewer complicating emotional connections the better. I don't expect this to be an easy endeavor but I am confident in my plans and direction for this undertaking. All that remains now is to put my plans into full motion.

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