What A Guy Needs...
...Is a good guy friend and a fuck buddy! This is my conclusion after discussing my recent relationship debacle over Big with several of my close friends and my mother (ironically enough) this weekend. After looking at all of the angles and analyzing my jumbled, menagerie of feelings this seems like the most practical solution. If you'll bear with me, I'd like to go into how exactly I came to this conclusion.
I am in love with Big (which we've covered in the past) and I both want and am ready for a serious relationship. Big isn't ready to be in a relationship with anyone right now, least of all me. He said that it's not like the possibility isn't there, but at the same time he doesn't want to lead me on and have me hold out for something that might never come. Which means I have the green light to go ahead and date and see if I meet another man I am compatible with who strikes my fancy. The problem is that I can't seem to meet (or find) any guys that I feel a connection to. When I think about the kind of guy I want to be with, the kind of guy that I feel is a good match for me, I keep coming back to one particular man: Big. I only want a relationship with him despite my longing to go out and try dating again. If I didn't seriously care for the man it would be easy to just move on all together, which means that I need a solution that allows me to still hold out for Big a little longer while at the same time doesn't limit and isolate me from other men.
Which brings me to the matter of my loneliness. I miss being in a relationship. I miss meaningful sex. And most of all I miss the intellectual and emotional companionship of a man. It occurred to me today that one of the things that has continued to hurt me the most since my close guy friend Pete seemingly abandoned me is that I miss the companionship and the intellectual and emotional support and stimulation I received from him and our friendship. I could tell Pete pretty much anything and he had a way of making me feel comforted and better. I don't have that anymore, not in the same way. Sure I still have my friendship with John (my most recent Ex) but there is a distinct history and interaction there. It's not the same.
Speaking of John I had lunch with him today and I admit that it was of some comfort. But he doesn't live right in my backyard and if things pan out he may be moving down South in the next few months. What will I do then? Sometimes a comforting voice over the phone isn't enough. Sometimes you need to be in the presence of a good friend and feel the warmth of their hugs and see the love and concern they have for you in their eyes. And while I have many close girl friends, it just isn't enough or the same as having a good guy friend or two. Sometimes you just want and need the support of another man. Unfortunately for me, I have few close guy friends and of the ones I have even fewer of them are capable of relating to me when it comes to these matters of the heart.
Which brings me back around to my opening statement that I need a good guy friend and a fuck buddy. The two do not have to be the same, and given my past history it is probably better if they remain separate. I definitely need to have a good guy friend (or more) who is local, like no farther than 20-30 minutes away, whom I can relate to and go out and have a good time with. I'm basically Rhoda in search of Mary.
As for the sex, in order to have emotionally attached sex I need to care about the individual and since all of my deep emotional attachment is with Big right now I have two choices: Continue to have a relationship with my right hand or find myself a man I can be comfortable scratching the itch with on those occasions when masturbation just isn't enough. Having such a person in my life again will help alleviate some of the frustration I feel over my current frozen sheet situation.
So there you have it. I think I'm finally making some clear headway here, or at least I hope I am. But only practical application and time will tell. With any luck I'll be able to better reconcile my current situation and move on with my life and not feel like I am closing doors or opening too many new ones. As the old saying goes, "We shall see."
