So Hard Letting Go
Something in my heart died last night
Just one more chip off an already broken heart
I think the heart broke long ago
That's when I needed you
When I needed you most...
Those lyrics by Stevie Nicks accurate describe how I'm feeling right now. Amazing how piercing and accurate words can be when it comes to describing the pains of the heart and soul.
So last night Big and I had dinner and then took a stroll through part of Downtown. It was a very lovely evening and I had a great time. Except when it came to the part about discussing our relationship with each other. I brought the topic up, hesitantly, because after a few recent events concerning him (New Year's Eve being one of them) I felt hurt and brushed off like a secondhand friend. What should have been just a conversation about our friendship turned into me jibbering like an idiot about my feelings for him and how painful things are at times.
As you can imagine that didn't go over well and we had a tense conversation. The result of which is that Big has made it clear that he does not want and is not ready for a relationship with ANYONE right now. There are too many things changing in his life right now resulting in a total change in direction for him. He has neither the time nor the energy for a relationship as nice as that might be. There is also the fact that he had feelings for me once which he has since "turned off" and that presently as far as he is concerned we are "just good friends".
Yeah, major ouch. It's my own fault. While I have been very sensitive about many things concerning him, I have also been a pushy bitch (even though I tried not to be). I have been so wrapped up and afraid of losing him that I have only succeeded in driving a wedge between us and potentially damaging our friendship beyond repair. The possibility of losing him as a friend hurts just as much if not more as the possibility of losing him as a lover. I've seriously fowled things up and made things uncomfortable between us. Jesus I want to cry just writing that...
Awful is not the proper adjective to describe how depressed and disappointed I feel. Why is it that dreams shatter and slip away so easily? I know he didn't say that there isn't a possibility of ever dating but the ay things look it is very unlikely. Maybe one day, but for today there is nothing but a friendship that is close to the edge.
*Sigh* Life really sucks some dirty ass sometimes. It's not easy accepting the loss of something you desire and cherish so badly. I still want to be Big's friend, I never want that to change. I also want him to be happy, even if it isn't with me. And yet the thought is so painful. I feel desolate inside and very broken. It's as if a part of my soul has died. I wish I could just stop feeling, stop being reminded of him and the situation. But that isn't going to happen.
My mind is so foggy and I feel sleepy. I think I'm going to take a nap or play some Zelda. Something, anything to take my mind off things for a while. Maybe I'll feel better later. I hope so...
