Mooned By Ted Forth
Let me just start out by saying that sleeping aids are wonderful things, especially for those of us with sleeping problems. They help you get to and stay asleep which generally results in a feeling of being well rested. Hell I sometimes feel MORE RESTED when I take a sleeping pill than when I sleep unassisted.
However despite all of the wonderful properties of sleeping aids they can also affect your sleep in unpredictable ways that aren't always positive. For example they can make you feel very groggy and drugged even after you wake up or as was the case with me last night, give you bizarre dreams.
So last night I was all exhausted and decided to go to bed at like 8 PM. I have been having trouble sleeping this week and was concerned about going to bed so early as I would more than likely wake up in the middle of the night and be unable to go back to sleep, so I took a sleeping pill. My sleep was wonderful. I stayed comatose all night, but the dream I had as a result was beyond the description "weird."
Picture it, New Year's Day in suburbia. I approach a typical two-story townhouse with a basement. I know where I'm going, I am expected by the hostess, she is a well know friend. Nothing is out of the ordinary, until I am greeted at the door by Sally Forth AND do not react to this as abnormal. Yes people, Sally Forth the 2-dimensional comic strip mother and empowered career woman. What the fuck is that bitch doing in my dreams and WHY do I a) know her and her family intimately and b) why was I even going to her house on New Year's Day?
I know it's stupid to ask logical questions of dreams. But that isn't even the best part, it gets way better. Sal is having this big party and Hilary (her daughter) has all these little girl friends over and they are cackling and acting like annoying 11 year olds. Sally is being the perfect hostess and feeding me stuff and introducing me to all these nameless people. She then precedes to give me a tour of her house, which culminates in her basement.
Despite the crisp white walls and carpets and immaculate, uncluttered surfaces of the rest of Sally's house, the basement is a disaster area with boxes and junk stuffed to the ceiling. Sal then goes into this whole spiel about how she and the family have collected so much junk over the years and could I help her sell it all on ebay. At this point my dream self is starting to merge with my conscious self who is oddly able to watch this while dreaming and hesitantly agrees.
Sally is overjoyed and I set to work digging through the boxes and seeing what kind of stuff I'm dealing with. At some point Hilary and her friends jam themselves into the basement and sit around watching teenybopper films and doing each others hair and basically having a slumber party. I got so annoyed I left and then came back when they were gone. As I continued digging through the boxes I discover all these toys and collectibles that I want for myself so I ask Sally if I can have anything in the lot that I like. She says yes I am more than welcome to all of it, just so long as I help her get rid of it.
I guess the prospect of getting stuff that I want for free completely captured my attention because the next thing I know my mother is pulling up outside of Sally's house in a large white SUV and we are loading up the back of it. I am all happy like a kid in a candy store.
And this ladies and gentlemen is where the dream hits its apex of bizarreness. Ted (Sally's Husband) and Sally come out to watch (not help, watch) my Mom and I load the SUV. We're all shooting the shit and I notice that Ted isn't wearing a belt and that his pants are slipping down to the point that the top of his ass crack is showing. Being the nice person that I am (and because we're such good buddies) I point this out to him. Ted's response is, "Really?" He looks down then, grabs the top of his waistband and yanks down his pants and moons me while shouting, "Check it out, my ass!"
Sally just laughed. I was shocked and oddly turned on. Had the dream not faded out just then (and Sally hadn't been there) I totally would have tapped Ted's pasty white suburban ass. I've longed suspected Ted Forth was a closet homo, I think this is conclusive proof...
