A Life Yet To Be Lived
So today I finally took my wallowing ass out to run errands. I needed groceries and some things at target. I didn't care how I looked so I threw on jeans, a t-shirt, an old oxford work shirt and a chewed up baseball cap. Yeah I looked totally blue collar (my "straight" disguise). 
Shopping was good and I definitely felt an elevation in my mood. I seem to be rebounding from this latest disaster with love a lot faster and better than in the past. Maybe it's a sign of growth, who knows? It also didn't hurt that two very good-looking men in separate stores checked me out. I mean heavily checked me out. Unfortunately they were both partnered but still it was very flattering. I looked like Hell frozen over and yet they were attracted to me anyway. That felt really good to the old, battered ego.
Which brings me to a very important and crucial turning point thought: There is a lot of life yet to be lived. I'm young, I'm single, and I'm unencumbered. True I have been dealt a very devastating blow but I'm not completely down and out. There is so much I can do so much I have yet to see. I want to travel more and I want to really tap into my creativity and express myself. And now is as good a time to do it as any.
The current situation with Big is very painful and sad, but truly there is nothing I can do. I still have the opportunity to mend the tears in the friendship by showing him that I'm not some crazy, emotional nut job. That will take time and action on my part. If I show him that I am the evolved and stable person that I know I am, he will see that I will be OK and that our friendship will be unaffected. And that is the most important thing of all.
As for my feelings, there is nothing that can be done except to weather the storm and slowly and painfully find the path back to loving and living. I know it won't be easy but what can I do? There is nowhere to go from here but up. Unless I lie here and wallow in sorrow and despair that is. And I can't allow that to go on for very long. I have too much to do with my life and that kind of behavior is dangerous. No matter how much I get hurt, how hard things may fall, I never want to become one of those people who let's the pain and losses of the past break them to the point of being unable to love wholly again. One day love will find me again, be it with Big or somebody else, and I have got to learn to let go and let that day come on its own time table and not mine.
Wow, I feel immensely better. Maybe it's just my imagination but the daylight (what little of it remains) seems brighter and cleaner somehow. I'm going to be OK, I know that. Things are tumultuous now but they will settle down. before I know it the past few days will be a distant and faded memory...
