Why Settle For Just A Piece of Sky?
So last night I had dinner with a man I've known for some time now. What made this dinner significant though was that this gentleman and I have not only been very close friends but have also been lovers off and on. Now here's the kicker: He has a husband. I know what you're thinking, this is against what I stand for and talk against, and you're right. There is no excuse for my participation in the situation but what I will say is that he and I came together at a time and place in our lives when we needed the relationship. What's more, is that after over a year and a lot of emotional ups and downs I have decided to end it. It has always been wrong and I am unable to swallow my feelings on the matter anymore. I don't regret having the affair but I can no longer continue with it in good consciousness.
It was an amicable split amazingly enough. This man and his partner have an unspoken open relationship. It's a very long and twisted story and I'm not going into it. What I will say is that the fact it was "unspokenly open" made it easier to justify in my mind. But over time I could no longer swallow my feelings about how wrong it felt. Making things worse was the fact that I care deeply for this man as a friend.
But all ended well and I have done the right thing. He understood my feelings and said I needed to do what is right for me. He said he never meant to make me feel cheap (which was how I was feeling about myself) and that it was never his intention. And I know that is true and told him that I knew that.
The bottom line is that this situation and the ending of that part of our relationship is more about me and my feelings than him. I can't be a hypocrite and be apart of a lie and deception even if both parties (meaning him and his husband) willingly participate in it. No matter how you cut it, it's a hurtful situation to all involved both on a passive and non-passive level. I don't want to be judgmental of the choices he and his spouse make but I also have the ability to make choices and I am exercising my choice not to participate anymore.
I have come to realize that I will never attract what I want in a life partner so long as I hold onto past, unhealthy situations. I have to act on my beliefs. We are still friends and nothing can come between that. Yes it was a blow to him and to me (it wasn't easy telling him I couldn't be intimate with him anymore) but it was the right thing to do and even made him think more about his relationship and the denial game they both play. Good things can come out of bad beginnings.
It also made me think more about what I want in a partner and that relationship. I don't want what my friend and his husband have, which is a marriage that has become sexless and turned into a best friends and roommates situation bound by the chains and connotations of the word marriage and partner. That kind of relationship is the antithesis of what I believe in. I don't want to settle for second-best.
To be honest it scares me. It makes me question if monogamy really does exist. I would rather end things with someone and be alone than live trapped by fears, insecurities, and dependencies. Despite what my friend says and the "comfortable" situation he and his partner have fallen into, I can see that they are both in pain deep down and seeking a deeper romantic and sexual fulfillment with other people. It's not that they don't love each other, but they have evolved to a level beyond partnership and refuse to complete the cycle by removing the antiquated title of their relationship to each other.
Maybe I'm being naive about this, but I only know what I see and have experienced. I look at John and myself. He and I love each other so completely and we are soul mates and will always be a part of each other's lives. But it doesn't mean I am going to say he is my partner and "claim" to have a domain of exclusivity with him when we aren't intimate on that level anymore and then turn around sneak around behind his back. We have graduated to friendship on a higher level than partnership. No one can take away the past or come between that unique relationship we share. And my life partner will have a unique relationship and bond with me no one else will have, including John.
I don't believe in "open relationships" I think they're cop outs and excuses to keep from reaching for more for fear of being left alone or shaking things up to a point that is irresolvable. To quote a line from the musical Yentl, "With all there is, why settle for just a piece of sky?"
I feel as if I have grown emotionally and spiritually since last night. I took control of my life and finished off the last of the loose ends from my former existence. For the first time in years, I am completely free. Completely single. There is nothing left of the past but memories. And today is the beginning of the next chapter. Today's actions are the building blocks of tomorrow's memories...
