Through Pursuing The Wind
It's late, like 3 something in the morning. I must be crazy to be up at this hour blogging of all things. But my brain is full of lots of jumbled thoughts and I need to get them out. Not only that but I just consumed cheese fries, a sundae, and fried cheese sticks from IHOP and my tummy needs to settle. LOL it's a long story...
So, the wind. It's a powerful force and ever illusive even when it beats against you. And for too long a time I have been chasing it. Not literally, but metaphysically. Since the moment my puberty went into full tilt I have wanted to be desired by men. Early in my adulthood I chased after any man that even remotely seemed interested and compromised myself again and again just to live in a moment of fleeting content. Yeah, my self-esteem and image were that low. I'm not ashamed of where I've been and who I've been with. Everything in my life has helped me grow into who I am today.
Over the course of the past year I have done a lot of growing. My perceptions and illusions of love have been shattered and my faith in myself and in love have been rebuilt. I have loved a man unconditionally and for the first time in my life have received that love back. It wasn't perfect but nothing is, and while it didn't work out in the end, for better or worse I am at peace with it. I feel like a new man.
But there is still a great part of me that is lonely and scared and confused at times. And along with that comes the presence of other men, not like the ones before, but similar enough. Despite my strength and newfound inner peace I have found myself chasing once more after men who aren't right for me. Still seeking out beautiful dreams that aren't reality.
Which brings me to tonight. I went to Freddies with Jay-Anne for dinner and drinks. Afterwards we decided to check out the drag show and cruise the patrons. There wasn't much of a selection and the drag show wasn't that great. And for the first time in a long time I found myself feeling desperate and panicky. There was nobody fawning all over me, there were no real prospects in sight. Instead there were very old and trolley men drooling at me and making obscene expressions and gestures. It really disgusted me in addition to making me feel very depressed. Why is it that only the men I don't want pay attention to me? And why do I feel so insecure at times that I look for harbors to affix myself to?
There was one guy in there tonight who was kind of cute, late 20's, a little chunky and very shy and was standing in the corner looking uncomfortable. I looked at him, and while he was OK he just wasn't doing that much for me but I started to want him because he was an easy target in my mind. Here was someone who appeared to be feeling worse than I was and wouldn't reject the attentions of someone young and attractive. And I was feeling very unattractive so if he desired me it would bolster my self-esteem.
And that is just wrong and why I decided to do nothing at all. Instead I made some eye contact, and did nothing more. He eventually left and came back and some friends joined him and I felt very low, because I kept thinking "I could have had him." But thankfully I recognized within myself that that kind of behavior is unhealthy and I stopped it.
The truth of the matter is I'm not just a little lonely at times but I'm also tired. Tired of chasing after men and mentally begging for attention. I can't do that anymore and no matter how painful or uncomfortable things are I refuse to go back to that behavior. I am through pursuing the wind. Why can't a guy pursue me for once? What's wrong with playing the role of the chased instead of the chaser.
Despite the lost opportunity in that one guy I knew there were a few others I could have scored with potentially if I wanted to. But I don't want to just hunt and score. I want a man to take genuine interest in me and make some of the first moves, even if it is just sexual. I have always been the aggressor and for once I'd like to be the one pursued.
With that in mind I went home alone tonight. It was an odd night for me. Not only was I down but Jay was down too. And then I received a v-mail from a close friend of mine telling me that his mom had died. She had been sick for a long time but it was still a blow. I felt like an ass for sulking and pouting about my desireablity when there were more important things happening in the world. It really helped to put things in perspective.
So there you have it. It's late and these thoughts are jumbled. I'm not exactly happy with how they've flowed out. Not exactly what I wanted to say but I've freed them. Where they go and how they grow is not in my hands anymore. Right now I need to try and shut my brain off and get some sleep.
