Paging Dr. Cockhead
So today was my return appointment with Dr. Cockhead. Because the HMO-phobic Clinic only had an opening at 11 am I had to take the day off from work. This experience was primed to be humiliating and unpleasant enough without having to lose a day's vacation/sick leave for it. I did make an attempt to get up extra early and see if I couldn't beat out some of the earlier sickies and get a walk in but after the past few weeks I've had I was too damn tired and it was all I could do to get my ass there by 11.
I knew from my last experience that I would be waiting a while so I didn't even attempt to hurry too much. I got there a little after 11 and signed in and took my seat with the rest of the sick people in the waiting room. The place wasn't packed this time like a stable as it had been the last time and I was relieved. Also nobody looked like they were dying of the black plague so I (literally) breathed a little easier and didn't worry about catching something worse than what I had.
Stupid me though I forgot to bring reading material, which turned out to be a fatal move as there was nothing to read. Well there was "stuff" to read but nothing of interest. I don't know how I missed this the first time I was at the HMO-phobic Clinic but the contents of the waiting room material was completely Republican! The "hot" titles consisted of Time, Forbes, Forbes FYI, (Some ultra conservative and generic tech mag), The Wall Street Journal, a single "Metro Section" page from The Washington Post, and my personal favorite Trailer Living. I shit you not. It was a magazine completely devoted to living in mobile homes and trailers! Before giving up total hope I spotted a copy of People and dived for it. Unfortunately it turned out to be People Español, so unless I was going to learn a new language while I waited (which believe me there was plenty of time to do so) I was screwed for anything to read.
I ended up leaving and coming back in several times so I could make phone calls and try and kill time. I got no service in the dimly lit compound like building. I kept expecting religious terrorists to storm the place at any moment and force us to drink Cyanide-laced grape Cool Aid. During my time spent in the waiting room I heard them page Dr. Cockhead like 10 times for various phone calls and over things. Seems he was either disposed or not their. Either way I had an over two-hour wait. I FINALLY saw the fucker at 1:30 pm.
He entered the appointment closet (I mean "room), that they had stuffed me into, with a schmoozie swagger. The man didn't even know who the Hell I was and he certainly didn't remember my last visit. Beaming at me he asked what I was in for today, and smiling right back I cheerily told him my nipples were infected. He got this shocked "come again?" look on his face. I clarified by adding that they were pierced, which only led him to assume they had recently been done, so I had to give him my entire life story (well just about anyway).
The entire process took about five minutes. He looked at my nips and proclaimed, "They don't look infected to me." I had to keep my sarcasticness in check lest I blurt out, "really? And here I thought it was abnormal that my right teat was swollen to the size of a large grape and bright red and burning. Silly me!" Instead I pointed out the redness and swollenness and described the pain. Dr. Cockhead looked uncomfortable and then prescribed some sulfur-based meds. He told me the rings would have to come out if I were to heal properly (Oh, joy!) and that it would be my choice to put them back in after they had healed (though he couldn't imagine why I'd want to). I was annoyed but grateful he didn't start that "high risk Homosexual lifestyle" shit again. In fact my sexuality never even came up.
After taking my leave of Dr. Cockhead I went to Target and on the way called my friend Pete and met up with him for lunch. That was the best part of the day. I love Pete. He always makes me laugh. He enjoyed the Dr. Cockhead story and agreed with me it was time to get a new healthcare plan.
So that's that. Tomorrow I have to go to a piercing place and have my rings removed. The rings I have in are the ones they pierced me with years ago, and I can't get them off plus if I recall you need pliers to get them off. Yeah, fun. I have bought a pair of endless hoop earrings like the kind I wear in my ears and as soon as this infection clears I am going to put those in because they will be easier to take care of (provided my holes don't close up in the meantime).
