Coupling, Coping, & More
Something I have noticed about Bar Harbor is the contrast between isolation and that of families and couples. The majority of the other vacationers here are families with a good slice being older (50+) married couples. Of the other younger people here they are also coupled and that is 100% true of the Gay men here. I am, I think, the only single Gay man in the whole of Southwest Harbor, maybe even the entirety of Bar Harbor. Who can tell?
Despite the fact that I came here seeking solace and quiet I find increasingly more that I am lonely for companionship. And not just any companionship, but that of a man in my bed. The room I am staying is very cozy but everything in it is just big enough for two, in fact it almost seems geared towards couples. Everything comes in sets of two except me. I like being alone, it's great but there are times I wish I had someone to share my time with. A reflection of my own deeper desires. I enjoy being alone and having time to myself but ultimately I want and need someone else in my life. Someone whom I can share my solitude with.
I realize more and more just how much my relationship with John meant to me. Oh, I never took it for granted or misunderstood it, but now that we are just friends and I am here alone I feel more deeply than before just exactly what it meant to me. The man is my soul mate I know that indefinitely, but he was more than that. He understood me and made feel not alone even when we were apart. He really did complete me.
I know we can never go back to that again. Our lives came together for as long as they needed to. We will forever be best friends and soul mates. He will never be my husband. That honor will go to another, but I find thinking about that hard. John raised the bar so high for a life partner that I wonder sometimes if anyone else will be able to meet those high marks. Sure I date and enjoy the company and sex of other men, but it's not the same. John filled my life to the point of overflow. That kind of love and feeling doesn't come along everyday and I find every new man inevitably becomes measured against that.
I find myself viewing the couples here, particularly the Gay ones, with envy and pain. I am painfully lonely but also glad to be alone. It's a double edged sword. I am learning and understanding more and more about what I want in a partner. I also must accept that most men will not live up to my high standards completely and that I may never find another who completes me the way that John does. Which is a problem because I don't want to settle yet at the same time I don't want to pass on a guy who could make me happy if I just let him. I don't know, it's such a jumble.
Funny, every time a guy stop along the coastal road that runs by my cabin I entertain these fantasies of him coming over and sweeping me off my feet. Yeah, I'm looking for some vacation prince to magically appear. I'm lonely. I want to feel the companionship for a man in my arms. The touch, the sensuality, the feeling of care and warmth that comes when you share your body with another. Sex is not love but it certainly helps pass the lonely hours a little easier.
It's sick and funny at the same time. I keep thinking that if I go out and get amongst people I can meet a man. What a laugh. You know I also wonder if they perceive me as unavailable. That I am giving off the "I want to be alone" vibe. Who knows? Besides most of the men here are quite ugly and the good looking ones of course are taken. I do want a man though. Just for a night. Someone to give me a magical experience. What a waste of energy that is. Yet I find it hard not to yearn for it. Sigh...
I said many times that I would be content to be alone and not sleep with anyone on this trip. For the most part that is true. But I also have an oversexed and vulnerable nature so I yearn for the company, the feeling. I am quite certain I will be celibate throughout this trip. My intuition tells me that will be the case and that deep down it is the best thing for me. I know as soon as I get back to DC I'll be chomping at the bit to hunt down a man. LOL. Such is my life and my nature.
It's not like I'm completely ignored here. I do get looks when I go into the main town. I occasionally get flirtations from men, but they are always attached. I stand out to everyone. I am the antithesis of a tourists. Tourists dress badly and act stupidly and look out of place. I am dressed well, fashionably, and act intelligently and carry myself with a presence not duplicated around me. I am clearly an outsider and stand out even more than the average tourist. I don't fit in here. I mean I REALLY don't fit in. Many of the visitors are from other parts of Maine, which doesn't help. I guess I look silly and foppish and quite queer yet not many people seem to mind, they just stare at me, as if I am an exotic display piece in a museum. I guess in many ways I am.
Sometimes I question why I came here. Many people, like John who know me well were like, "WOW that seems so not like you. It's so isolated, what will you do?" I like it here though it is obvious this way of life is almost completely opposite from my own. I love the sea and the solitude. The peacefulness and the quiet. Yes I get bored sometimes but it's nice to just sit and be. To do absolutely nothing and not have to be anywhere.
I definitely want to come back here someday. Though next time I want to come with a lover. Someone I care about a lot. This is a magical experience in and of itself but it is truly meant and more meaningful for two.
My thoughts are so scattered. I find also that I tire easily. I have taken to naps in the afternoon and I have little desire to leave my room even though I know seeing people and new surroundings is good for me. I feel a bit guilty too because it's like I am here to hike and see stuff and I am just content to sit around doing nothing. I want to get it all in while I can. I want no regrets you know.
Still despite my ennui I'd love to just go somewhere and be with people who aren't families you know. I guess like what I get in the city. You can take the boy out of the city but you can't take the city out of the boy. I could never live here full-time, the solidarity and lack of activity would drive me crazy. No the simple life is one I am content to visit and experience every now and again.
