Bye, Bye Bar Harbor
It's funny how quickly one adapts to a new setting. I have been here a week and it feels like it has been three. I have begun to think of Bar Harbor as my "New Home," yet not too far from the surface of my conscious thoughts I know that it is not really my home but I feel comfortable here. Everything has become familiar to me. I found myself over the course of the last 24 hours looking at everything from the perspective that it was the last time I would be seeing it. I have slowly started to shift back into the DC state of mind. After having escaped the insanity that is the city and lived a completely different way of life I need time to transition back into it. Though ironically enough that old comfortable skin isn't so hard to slip back into.
There is a noticeable difference though. While I didn't accomplish everything I had mentally planned out to do in my head, I realize that I achieved the pinnacle of centeredness I came here for. The clarity and confidence I came here to unbury within myself have surfaced and I am a very different person. It reminds me a little of when I came back from my journey of self discovery I went on last year when my previous ex and I broke up. I am a different person than the one I was before I came here. I have turned another corner. While there are many things in my life that aren't the way I'd like them to be I feel within myself the presence of mind and body to tackle them. I have a new perspective, a new agenda, and a new inner peace.
I am beginning the next stage. While sitting at the edges of the sea I thought and felt the emotions entwined around so many painful situations in my life that in one way or another I have been unable to change or unable to confront. It is time to clean house, to finish the work I started a long time ago. I am at a place where I am preparing for the next portion of the journey. Instead of looking outside of myself at every one and every thing else it is time I turn my fixation upon myself, and the portions of my "former life and mind" that have remained at the back of my mind's shadowy closet. In essence it is time I finish taking control of my life.
Here is the list of "Things to do" so far:
- Continue To Care For Myself Emotionally And Spiritually. Probably one of the most important things I have to do and one of the hardest. I have to take better care of my mind and spirit and not just my body. I stretch myself too thin and give too much to others. I need to step back and make sure that I give myself enough time and space to breathe and relax. That is one of the biggest keys to staying healthy and accomplishing everything else I have to do. I realize that while I have been on vacation I have been doing nothing but caring for myself and being attentive to my needs. In fact I did so much of that I got sick of it! It's all about balance. For too long I have been taking care of others. From now on I need to take care of myself first, then worry about everyone else.
- Get My Weight And Health Under Control. Seriously. I have been bitching forever about this but I have a deeper resolve and conviction to actually bring this under control. I will never be a super model or catalogue boy but dammit I am an attractive man and there is no excuse for not taking care of myself. Cleaning up my eating habits and routinely working out are just as important as anything else I do in my day to day life. I need to take care of myself and force myself to stay on track. No more excuses and false promises. This will be an ongoing project but it is the first thing I can start to do for myself.
- Drop The Partial "Openly Gay" Façade. Let's face it, I am out to everyone in my life that I get along with in addition to strangers. However I am not out to my father and that side of the family. Oh, sure they "know" I'm Gay but I have never actually stated it and I have avoided the issue and flat out denied it at other times. No more running. My reasons for not telling these people range from information control to simply avoiding drama. It's unhealthy and what's the point? These aren't people I really give two shits about so why am I giving them so much power and control in my life. Fuck that shit. It's funny, this was a realization that came upon me in the middle of the night during my vacation. I had a dream about finally telling these people off. I woke up suddenly and just stared at the dark room and it was like, "Dude! You've gotta do this. If you don't you'll never be free." So there you have it.
- Buy A Place To Live In. It will be rough. It will be scary. I will be stretched to the max but God Dammit I have to move out and quite frankly I don't like apartment living. With that in mind it is time to get serious about loans and funding and house hunting. The Market is crazy right now and expensive. I am also still a little tight on money. I am going to focus on saving money and training myself to budget and be financially responsible. This is probably my biggest challenge next to maintaining my workout routine but dammit it has to be done.
- Fuck Finding A Husband, I Need A Career And Education! You heard me. No more tears people. It may be rough, it may be lonely, but dammit I don't have anything to give anyone else right now, not on that level. After being with John, and having a healthy functioning relationship for the past year, I cannot except second best. I have standards that must be met.
But more so than that I am just not ready. While I want to be needed and feel that love connection I don't emotionally have any reserves left. Besides that it is just one more distraction that will prevent me from working on my own issues and problems. I need to become more financially secure and stable. I also need to go back to school and get a degree. There is no room for a man right now. Casual fucks, yeah every now and then, but no more boyfriends. I have a lot of work to do and it will take me some time. Yeah it's gonna suck at times and I am going to have my week moments (I spent a considerable amount of my nights over vacation drinking to escape the pain. It only accentuated it.) But you know what, everyone goes through this. And right now I need to be with me and me alone. This is my time to grow. No regrets. When the time is right, Mr. Right will cross my path (and be at the same place to give emotionally). Until then I'm a free agent, and that's OK.
