A Good Time To Say Goodbye
Last night John and I mutually ended our relationship on friendly terms. We have been dating for about a year and in that time have both grown as individuals. We have become better as a result of having the other in our lives. But that alone was not enough to sustain a romance. We love each other so completely that words cannot describe the feeling. But right now neither one of us is at a place in our lives to be in a relationship with the other. For so long we have been trying to force ourselves into fitting in to a situation that wasn't right.
There is a tremendous sense of relieve we both feel having made this decision. having made this decision together. One of the predominant fears that we have had has been losing the other. And even though we are no longer lovers we are still the same close friends and soul mates that we always where. We still love, appreciate, and complete each other. We may have lived different lives but we are one and the same, like twins separated at birth. He means the world to me and I know I mean the world to him.
There is a very wise old saying that goes something like this: "If you truly love something, sometimes you have to let it go in order to preserve your love." Until last night I never understood what that meant. How could you let go of something if you love it? And how can letting go of it save your love? It's hard to explain, you really have to go through it to understand completely.
For me understanding this very valuable lesson happened over a long period of time. Little things built up until one day I had a huge epiphany that scared the shit out of me. I literally woke up one morning and thought "You don't want to be in this relationship anymore." The power of those words was enough to send me into a tailspin. I started doubting everything about my love and relationship with John and about myself as an individual. I couldn't bear the thought that something so right could have been based on false emotion.
Denial is a very powerful mental force. In the end I finally understood and accepted what I had known all along but refused to accept. It is easy to blind ourselves to the things that hurt the most. When you find someone you love and they embody everything you are looking for in a mate and in a relationship it is shattering when something happens to shed an imperfect light upon them and the relationship. For me I wanted to believe that everything was perfect because the love I had found was everything I had ever wanted.
It wasn't just me. John had done it too. True to ourselves we have always been on the same page, even when we didn't tell the other what we were looking at or the pain we where feeling. In the end, it all worked out well. We are better people and our relationship is stronger now than before. The only difference is that we aren't lovers.
I feel good about all of this. For the first time in my life I feel like myself again. I am ready to face the world truly healed from some of the worst pain from my past. I am secure with myself in a way I never have been before and I am happy and content with being by myself for a while. I no longer need a relationship in order to survive. I am fine being single. In fact I don't plan on looking for another relationship any time soon. No, for the time being I am going to enjoy life and men for what they are and the pleasures they both can offer me. Today is the beginning of a new day and the horizon before me is limitless.
