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Downplay. Dismiss. Divert. — The ACDS Super Strategy!

Well wouldn't you know, in case I hadn't already heard about it via TV and newspapers, my elementary alma mater has made absolutely sure that I know about the margarita incident in way of a well crafted letter to all members of the "community." Being an alumnus has its advantages (especially since I don't have to do a damn thing).

I really don't know what to say other than read the official letter that arrived in my mailbox this morning (with my comments in devil red as always).

September 29, 2004

Dear Members of the ACDS Community,

As most of you are aware, there is much publicity [Try national and internet coverage] regarding the incident that occurred on September 10 here at the school [i.e. The Margaritas As Limeade Fiasco]. During that incident, students in third, fourth, and fifth grade were inadvertently exposed to alcohol [Tequila] during lunch. Very few students partook of the beverage [ONLY three grades worth!], most declared it "gross," and thankfully, the exposure was very limited [Note: Relevant truth used as downplay tactic]. We took care to observe the students afterward to ensure that there were no ill effects; none were reported.

We want to ensure full and complete disclosure and communication with you [for fear we may be sued], our constituents [Please don't cut our funding!], and want you to know that we take this occurrence very seriously [as our teaching licenses are at stake!]. We dealt with the initial occurrence swiftly and effectively by disposing of the unused portion of the beverage on the spot [Translation: We drank the rest to steady our nerves for the coming storm], watching the children carefully, and communicating with the parents and the students involved immediately[Translation: We covered our asses and sent a letter home with the kids].

We wish to continue that thread of communicating through this letter [so we have an evidence trail in case you do take legal action] and to assure you that appropriate action was taken and will be taken in the future. We are all embarrassed by this incident [Thank God it was only some tequila and not the wild party photos that got out], but we wish to move forward with our purpose [Look over there, an elephant!], which is to educate our children in a healthy environment of learning [Note: Use of the children as diversionary tactic and parental sucker punch]. We too have learned from this unfortunate episode [Drink up ALL booze before the end of the evening]; alcohol will no longer be served at any on-campus events [Translation: The tuition is going up to pay for future party venues].

If you have any question or concerns [Shouldn't that be "questions" plural?], please do not hesitate to contact me directly [as I am covering my ass from every possible angle]. While the press may enjoy the heat of the spotlight they have turned on ACDS [Which this God forsaken WASP nest so righteously deserves!], know that we are committed to continuing to doing [Um hello, Grammar check!] the right thing by and for our children [Again using the kids as a shield] and you, as members of the community [please, please PLEASE don't sue us or cut our funding!], and that this has not distracted us from our mission [to make money and mold young Alexandrian WASPS for future world domination].

Sincerely,

Alexander Harvey IV
Head of School