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Tangled Strands of Thought

I sometimes wish I had Dumbledore's Pensieve from the Harry Potter books. It would make recording my thoughts a hell of a lot easier. Though would I really record them any more frequently than I do now? Hmmm... Things to ponder...

I know partly why I don't write anymore. It is because I am afraid. I fear being successful and I fear giving my own thoughts and feelings physical form. To do so means that I am truly recognizing them and thus have to embrace them and GASP! confront them.

The phrase "my heart is like a kaleidoscope" is very accurate to how I am feeling now and of late. Ever since I went out that night with Miriam some two months ago my life has been violently flipped on its head. In all ways, as much as I hate to admit it, this has been a good thing. But dealing with the feelings I have now is very difficult. Resisting the urge to hit the bottle is at times very difficult.

The beginnings of this emotional roller coaster I presently find myself on can be located at the start of my relationship with TJ. At first he was a very sweet, nice, if not hurt and lonely guy. I took to him instantly. I was so afraid of loosing him, which as it turns out was not a good thing. The longer we got to know each other the more obvious it became that we were not suited for each other. While my life isn't exactly perfectly in order, it is far more direction oriented than his currently is. This became a constant source of friction between us.

Having sex with him was oddly enough one of the best decisions I made, except for the fact that a part of me regrets it. By having sex with him I realized in frightening Technicolor horror that we really weren't suited for each other. As shallow as it seems the first sign of this was how bad he was in bed and the fact that our sexual interests didn't see eye to eye. What can I say, I'm a freaky little tart whereas he is conservative white bread. Hey, I love my white bread but it has no place in my bed.

I knew as soon as the sex began it wasn't right and afterward I felt both numb and extremely disappointed. He was a let down. And the knowledge that we couldn't stay together was even more so. It was weeks before I broke it off with him. I had many a panic attack during that time. The actual break up was hard for me to do and left me feeling very mixed. He half blew me off as being frivolous and prissy.

Which is how he related to me most of the time, with insults. While usually passive, his comments were almost always dismissive and hurtful. It was his way or no way in many cases. That isn't to say he didn't accommodate me at times, but he certainly tried to change and reshape who I was. That was also one of the driving forces in our break up.

As of this writing it has been 3 weeks since I have seen TJ or gone out at all for that matter. I am very much a creature of habit and seeing as how I am still new at the DC Gay singles scene (yes I am a VERY late bloomer) will more than likely frequent the two places I know best. Unfortunately TJ is also a creature of habit and frequents both of these places. . I am hesitant to go back out because I know I will run into him.

While I am scared of running into him (and having an awkward encounter) I am also desperate to see him again. We never really had a proper goodbye, just a "I'll see you around" and I entertain these fantasies of some sort of encounter. Though knowing him it will be ugly rather than like Minmay and Hikaru's farewell in Macross. Which seems to be the predominant template my breakup fantasies mold themselves into, though experience has shown that they turn out completely differently.

My mind is so confused. I am alone once more and very socially isolated again. I have barely been able to work up the courage to go out which I know is unhealthy. Everyone tells me this is normal post-break up behavior and that I will get through it.

In the meanwhile I seem to have gone into a depressive angry funk. I am bitter and angry toward TJ and at the same time very sad. We agreed to be friends but that hasn't worked out. I don't like feeling like the evil one who did him wrong which is how I will be portrayed in future retellings.

It's stupid. I can't control that sort of thing, yet at the same time I never meant to hurt him. But he can't see his own part in all this and is determined to paint me as a villain and that pisses me off. I tried so hard to be a good boyfriend and make him happy. Which was a fault of mine, because I over compromised myself for him. I hope one day he can see that, and if I ever see him again I am going to say that to his face.

Janis Ian's song Watercolors fits our situation like a glove. It is frightening the new meanings a song can take on once you've experienced what it is talking about.

I feel I need to make changes, to start fresh. I will finally be able to buy a car in October which will liberate me to the world. Until then I can't partake of DC nightlife, not often anyway, because the cab fair to the Metro station is VERY expensive (about $10.00 one way!).

I have decided to pursue getting my nipples pierced and am looking into getting a tattoo. I have wanted to get my nipples pierced since I was 18, and I know that my need to control and change something in my life is fueling my "let's do it" attitude. I am still scared about how much it will hurt though, so I'm not going to just blindly run off and do it. I have been doing a little research but I still have more to do.

As for the tattoo it is very up in the air. I have two variations on one design floating around in my head and two different places I am deciding between. I have flirted with the idea of getting a tattoo for over a year now, but am still undecided. I don't get the feeling I will make a decision anytime soon. I'll keep you all posted...

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